sometimes i get the feeling i won't be on this planet for very long

the sun is rising. the girl next to me is out like a light. slumbering away the night's deeds. i don't even know where to begin.

*

we were at a bar and then we hooked up.

*

too simplistic.

*

something on ESPN flashed on the scoreboard, it was OSU related, and the girl standing next to me actually recognized the Woody hat i had on. we were surrounded by Panthers fans, we were going to lose, yet it was preseason...

"what are you doing?"

i was fumbling with my phone, trying to get a good signal and still pay attention to this girl: five eight maybe, brown hair and decent rack. we started talking, the usual bs that we do and then it got personal around the third shot of Jamo.

that's when she put her hand on my leg and said, "take me on a walk. you seem to know the city..."

i thought for a minute, how much have i drunk, how much has she had (nowhere near as much as me), and i weighed my options.

i paid my tab and tried to make it look like i was sober as i walked with her out the door. and then we did the grand tour of the fourth ward.

we finally arrived at my street, and she said, "what, this is where you live?" ha, row of condos, apt complexes, right inside everything.

"ok." that was all she said.

and we walked up the three flights in silence, nothing, i kicked my door because it doesn't latch and i didn't lock it, we went in, and then it was "oh, you read."

"yeah" as i kick my shoes off.

she was standing in front of the bookcase i had as a divider between the couches and the desk. "I like these guys" she said as she pulled one from the shelf, Emerson i think.

"can't say that i've read that one yet." because i am a ball of insecurity and honesty.

"so what have you read here" as i get closer to her. "about 50%" when i drop to my knees in front of her jeans and plant my face into her she says, "i don't believe Tolstooooh".

*

it was different, for sure.

don't i...

....hold you like you want.

*

song's on constant repeat. sometimes you do things you swear you would never do. i like to steal signs, maybe it has something to do with my previous sign painting past, but...i finally sent the email to the x about how i ended up with some of her crap and she has some of mine and how i'd like to exchange it all.

it wasn't easy.

*

i'm calculating the amount of beer i've consumed the last week, and it's not pretty. 108 can/bottles. that equals out to 1296 oz. divide that by 128 and that is 10.125 gallons. i've drunk half gallons of milk in one sitting before, but...holy crap.

*

i used to care about others, take care of them with no regard to myself. i the last ten years i've learned how to not only not take care of myself but especially not take care of anyone else. what the fuck.

so i just read a book and ride my bike around the school...

sometimes you say too much. sometimes you get sunburned. sometimes you drink so much that after you add it up you wonder what the fuck you were doing.

i've done AA, psychs, whatever. i just added up my beer intake for the last week: 10 gallons. i drink a lot of milk...but this, well, put everything in perspective. and let's not forget the three bottles of Port.

*

i've been putting off watching the end of "Savages" simply because i know i can't handle it. had the same problem with "The Fountain". can't finish the Coupland either. it stares me in the face but....

the leaves are falling back east...

that's where i want to stay...

*

dealing with your parents' mortality is akin to dealing with your own. you and i will both be in the same place later.

landslide

i suppose what i meant in the previous was that i'm surprised at how easy it is to fall back into habits you haven't had in years. i finally got a library card on the 11th of this month, and have been there over ten times since.

i used to read, but now i watch.

didn't even realize i had both Rushmore and The Darjeeling Limited at the same time until i checked them out. Rushmore makes me question again why Bill Murray didn't get the Oscar, and Dar causes me to wonder why people don't get it. Anjelica Houston made it.

inbetween, i read too much online. currently digging on philalawyer and tucker, but thats just because i find the whole ordeal fascinating.

and ludicrous. however you spell it.

*

just for me, so...

1. cable
2. rent (monday)
3. car (next month)
4. bike (following car)
5. life (doesn't matter)
6. october (road trip, Columbus?, Evansville, Madison)
7. save it up, stop screwing around (always from here on out)

the real folk blues

when the connection was thinking about it, i lost my sense of posting something here. but then i thought, what the hell. throw something on the wall and see what sticks.

i've been watching the whole Cowboy Bebop series the last two weeks, and it made me miss the endless nights of watching adult swim with the x. but then i realized i had watched a lot of it before, never in sequence, and all she did was make me realize that i actually kinda liked this stuff. so fuck her.

i'm also rereading a lot of the webcomic Something Positive these days. it kills time in the office when i'm in and, well, it's the abrasive, irreverent humor that i still find funny. nothing like reading something for what seems like the first time again.

speaking of which, i'm rereading The Happy Isles Of Oceania again for the first time in what seems like a million years. it's always a new adventure. also reading Couplands Hey Nostrodamus! which is the stupidest title ever for a book that has made me read only a few pages and then leave it for a couple days before reading more. in other words, it hits too close to home with the religion.

so thats it. in the meantime i'm still grabbing random crap off the street, like the Road Closed sign that is currently hanging on my balcony. if i do make it up to WI in two months i'm gonna grab the Bomb Shelter sign that i always swore i would get on Atwood next to Tex Tubbs..

I lost too much in the last few years. time to rebuild.

monday, i could wait 'til tuesday

damn i need a whiteboard. ya know, dry-erase, something to have no permenance but still there. using the bathroom mirror is no good, i use that for life and the shopping list. and i can't use the mirror in the dining area, it was my great grandmothers, dammit.

*

i've had this outline in my head for years, and for some reason it won't go away. so my solution is to finally put pen (or old typewriter) to use and put it down and see what happens. God only knows its not often that your work goes up in flames and you're left with nothing to do.

so i guess i'm reassembling the table i've had outside my door since i unpacked all my crap from PGH. at least it's not IKEA. gotta have somewhere to type with a view...

*

been geeking out (thank you, ex-girlfriend) on Cowboy Bebop too, which i'm sure doesn't help. the library is good, but not that good, but, well, good enough.

*

ten chapters. not in chronological order. a reworking of The Canterbury Tales. religion. war. women. men. seers. eternal life. everything. something for everyone.

so i hope.

*

"when we set out on this journey, there were no doubts in our minds"

New Zealand II

perhaps it's the uncertainty of the outset that makes us tense. i recall how Theroux said before that the idea for "The Mosquito Coast" came about because of watching how rain water ran on the ground, here and there, diverting it's own path.

New Zealand

"From habit, when I was alone, I slept only on the left side of the bed, and so I felt lonelier when I woke up with a big space beside me."

*

i did this for nearly a year. even when it was the wrong side i was on (it all seemed based upon tv position, alarm, doorway...do i need continue?), i still had that feeling of lose every morning.

but the followup, only one page later, mobilizes oneself:

"Tourists don't know where they've been, Travelers don't know where they're going"

i knew these words later, at a time when they finally mattered, but for now, i like to think Paul Bowles never imagined the transient society that we became in the years following his death in 1998.

and yes, i actually like both the book and the Bertolucci movie of "The Sheltering Sky"

It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;

It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles...

*

i sit amongst my spread, drinking Fat Tire, books on the dining room table that i haven't seen for five years, phone chargers still not put away from my last trip, ash tray (hate smoking indoors, let alone smoking) on top of taxi receipts from ATL that will never be reimbursed. the wall behind me has a mirror that was my great-grandmothers. in front of me, a patterned cloth mural that has the chili peppers that you sometimes find in chef pants.

like the table and chairs, i haven't seen this in years. and my aunt, who made it, i'm sure was unaware that i see this pattern all the time. or used to.

see, i've too much time on my hands. i read, i watch movies, i try and do all those things i always said i wish i had more time for "if not for work." but instead i end up thinking too much and doing this, write it down, hope that maybe i'll have the sense to read it later and glean some info from it.

*

i look on craigslist all the time, at cars and bikes. i'm gonna buy a bike first, and i've got a few prospects, just a matter of trying them out before handing over the money. i think i want a motercycle too, tho, and that's hard. no license. no "real" training. but i just want the mobility, the idea of still getting away from it all is enough to shrug aside the idiocy of it all.

i'm looking at old Harleys, just because. i can't give a solid reason, it just seems better than a Honda (in terms of bikes, that is). price is right, just need to figure everything else out.

*

i have a multipage note that an ex left me right when i left Pittburgh in front of me also. i tend to ignore it all the time, but i came across it when unpacking my crap a few weeks back. and it stares me in the face.

not in a bad way. i'm nostalgic for that period, that time when life was in flux and all i really was her to be there when i woke up the next morning after yet another night. but i'm older and (supposedly) wiser now,

*

time everlasting
time to play B-sides

*

interlude. deal.

*

i just want a return to normalcy...but i guess that doesn't happen. along the way you have relationships, you work, you get and lose jobs, you might love someone, you might get married, you deal with kids, you might divorce or remarry, and it's all relationships, and it all comes down to the things that i've never been good at.

*

Theroux starts out one of his travel books with the lines above, and despite my efforts i never read "Ulysses" in high school. i read the "Happy Isles..." for the first time following my junior year in high school. i am the one responsible for a water damaged book returned to the Bexley Library because i left it out on the sun porch during a freak summer rainstorm. i'm not sorry. i reread this book nearly every year until 2001, when i got too distracted.

time has a way of catching up with you. i'm reading it now, and while it's old, it's new again. i missed it, like i do the rest of the Therouz that i no longer have, along with half of my books. it's a long story, don't ask.

but it's ok. the Charlotte Library will be whipped into shape here in no time with my demands. and i will find a good used bookstore, and maybe even perhaps love, inbetween.

*

but...i look back over my dining room table here, and i see all these parts of me.

and it's hard.

Dear God, it's so difficult.

eternal life

somewhere between typing on the Royal and modern technology i started watching Fear and Loathing, and while i dont recall the movie all that well, what i do remember is where i first watched it.

*

too many associations and just plain wondering why i still do the comparison thing. time to move on, in so many ways.

*

you never realize how good you have it until you give it up. i've lived in quite a few places and the one that always comes back is Parkview. and here i am on the third floor in a one bedroom with no personality.

but i almost have a view, so...

*

my lease is up, here on out it's month to month. suprised me too. need to find a place with personality.

need to find a home.

let it rain

and i'm reminded of when i, years ago, stood in the middle of the street feeling the rain come down...

*

the rain comes when you never expect it. it was in the clouds all day long, but never came until now. the cars stopped, people on the street stopped, time stood still...and then the heavens broke lose.

*

and then it's done. nothing but rivulets of water running down empty gutters back into our sky.

misery

rereading The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy. just the first four parts. the ones that matter. sorry for the inconvinance.

whatever.

realizing how movies are made more and more about the stupidity of life, and improbabilities therein. gonna make it happen, and revolving around this idiocy that i have now.

honestly, this shit sucks, and it's time for something new.

*

watched the end of Clerks II and all i could see was the floor of our house in Madison. the blonde wood and everything. Soul Asylum.