this town don't look good in snow

you don't care, I know...

*

been staring at my navel for over a decade, and if I had access to my old files it'd be longer than that. there's only so long one can do this thing, regardless of medium, be it online or just writing it for your own gratification.  an aunt related to me how she came across some journal writings from the '80's, talking about her books and library and such.  she noted how I made a lot of the same remarks as I did, about how random the books we collect are and how it defines certain periods of our life.

I'm blessedly free from essentially all that anymore.  lost it all, water damage, bad loans, poor choices in life.  chalk it up as being someone who always knew better but never really considered the ramifications of their choices, despite making bad ones repeatedly over the years.

*

I did have some smooth '70's pop on but moved on to Abbey Road, side two.  I figure it is no small thing that I realized the beauty of this album from start to finish long before it was held up as the standard for Beatles records.  My LP, who knows who purchased it or where it came from, I stole from my parents long before they realized it was missing and played it nonstop while I was writing my first real paper in high school.  My soundtrack to egyptology in 1989.  But enough of this.

Time to move on.  I've had a year to get my crap together, and while I had some idiocy to deal with, and I've had to pass on a few prime jobs, I've done nothing but sit on my ass and feel sorry for myself.  Listen to music, watch a lot of tv, catch up on all the programs I haven't seen the last several years.  Watch a lot of Seinfeld.

So.

*

So.

I've read a lot.  Mostly online, and compared to what I was reading ten years ago, it's all crap.  I'm trying not to be snobbish or hateful but really.  Half the sites out there are just forums for reposting what has already been said before.  The other half are just saying what everyone else is saying.  I know this is a bad generalization, and based upon pop culture, but...

So.  I'm checking out.  Calling it quits.  Not necessarily here, but I've already cut down on the FB, email, I checked the Twitter for the first time in nearly a year just last week and realized I'm not missing anything.  I'm a bit fed up with this idiocy that I've been a part of for over 25 years.

*

I made a note a couple weeks ago how long it took to install a printer over twenty years ago.  Before it was hook cable up, load multiple disks for the next hour, done.  I got a wireless scanner/printer/etc that, after multiple software upgrades, finally was functional after five hours.  Not to say that it isn't the coolest thing I've ever purchased, but it shouldn't be this difficult.

My point is:  It shouldn't be this difficult.  I'm gonna go read a book, drink some coffee, have a smoke, and consider neo-luddism.

Cheers.

somewhere the sky seems like a blanket

Sit around, dream away the place I’m from


it's not fair, growing up, thinking you're special.  but fuck that.  can't blame childhood,  mine was so ideal it makes me sick to see how my own nieces and nephews are being raised.  not that i'm such a great role model...


I could go out tonight, but I ain’t sure what for
Call a friend or two I don’t know anymore


I'm avoiding everything these days.  Friends, family, contacts, even remote interests that come out of nowhere because I have my resume up on MonsterCareerbuilerderHeyGiveMeYourResumeLetsGetSomeTimeTogether.com.


But I just don't care any more.  I like to say the pressure is on but I Just Don't Care.


And this is what I'm truly afraid of, this not caring.  I'm doing a minor favor to a former GM right now where I'm providing my history as well as how my staff and I worked with him.  And while it's getting me to actually do something, I still don't care.  I just don't care.


*


Gonna ride down to the river where it runs


*


I did a hike out into the woods the last week.  It was a revitalization but at the same time I just felt like it was all for naught, as I just wanted to keep on going, Go West Young Man!!!


Crossed a creek, more like a stream, on a felled tree and then...the other side was ferns.  Odd.  I've learned, from hiking in SD that you have to look back where you came from, otherwise you get lost (funny how the obvious escapes us sometimes).


*


Gonna watch TV and pray for decent reruns
Sit around and dream away what I’ve become
Used to feel so much, now I just feel dumb


*


I made my way back simply because I remembered a particular branch that was broken on a tall tree.  I'm not much of a tracker or scout.  And then I couldn't get out of bed for the next three days.  Not because of tiredness, because...lack of purpose.


It's sad that I can tell if I've seen an episode of Law & Order or House based upon a one line summation on DirectTV.  


*


I’ll never understand this emptiness


*


I did a minor spending spree on Amazon (will this still be a thing in 20 years?  I'm amazed that I can still access my LJ account...).  Bought a few books, some I've never read, some just for the comfort factor.  Aside from the first novel a friend of mine finally published, I'm revisiting a few authors I've forgotten over the years.  Kim Stanley Robinson, Lucius Shepard, and of course Paul Theroux.  


I like the written word.  As much as I like the computer and the online crap, I like the solidity of a good book.  I'll never understand the Nook/Kindle/CRAP where you can read on basically a laptop.  I like the heft of paper in my hands.  It feels good.  It feels real.


*


Write your name down on a matchbook sleeve.


Call me up on Sunday for a drink...


*
Ya know the fun thing about this is that I turned it all around in all of seven paragraphs, and short ones also.  Maybe I really do just need to write it out of me, no matter how bad it is sometimes (see also:  unpublished posts).  Back hurts, going to bed finally.

try and succeed..

nothing like the feeling of defeat.