66
you walked in...
*
I knew it was only a matter of time. I'd made myself a regular, my seat was either at the far end of the bar closest to the door (all the better to regulate when it got to closing) or to the right or left of the four tap heads. It was a neighborhood place, the place where I met guys who went to Central Catholic with Dan Marino. I was the bad extra hand on the poker nights. The place where you feel at home but know that as soon as you enter dreams die.
...just like smoke.
*
I met her, I really can't say for sure when. I do know that I was at the end of another relationship at the time, and ending it poorly of course. I'm nearly certain that the reason I force women into ending things with me first is because I just don't know how to do it myself.
But I do remember the first time we kissed. Third week of November, 2004, a house party after we had all closed down the bar and just moved the festivities maybe...100 feet away? Doesn't matter, aside from the fact that it was a shared house with her ex and a few other people that I kinda knew. We found ourselves in the basement, the beer pong table just waiting for everyone else to join, and afterwards she said, maybe, "you're so shy..."
I couldn't commit, I was a month removed from a girl that I had once again thought was The One. I had traveled with the former GF over bumfuck PA and spent Labor Day weekend at her parents' farm, drank homemade wine with her father, revisited all her favorite haunts, even slept in a separate bed that weekend (just sayin', cause it wasn't like it didn't try to get it on...). Her father had a '67 Chevelle that he bought new and had stored in his barn, and after all this time, restored, even down to getting the fuzzy dice to hang from the mirror.
The chrome was beautiful, and that engine really did purr.
But just like I did back in the late '90s, I fell in love with the family and fell out of love with the girl. And. Well, just like it did in 1998, I had a brief talk and felt like shit afterwards. Not like I didn't deserve it.
*
if i can move it with ya...
*
So, luckily for me a huge crowd came tumbling down the stairs right as we parted and she said those words. Very few times have outside forces made me realize just how fucked up a situation is, and this was one I wasn't going to get out of without some damage.
*
will you let me take it?
*
Nothing happened that night. It wasn't until December 30 (the Eve of NYE, as I tend to remember it) that all hell broke loose between us. Sleep was never an option that night.
It's not like we ever really went out, truth be told. The random times when either her or I would think it was more than us being in bed, talking, reading together, and the occasional movie, we would correct everything appropriately.
*
I've never felt so out of control
*
But all good things, and for once I had a good reason. Promotion, better job, new city, time to move beyond Pittsburgh. And I left.
*
You don't even know what you're doin' to me
*
I came back three times. Once was OK, and it killed a part of me. We'd already been talking on the phone nearly every day. And I got back to my place and she was already in bed, and yes, it was like coming home.
And she told me how yes, she was feeding my cat, but also sleeping in my bed because she missed me. I got afraid. I got scared. But that didn't stop me from staying in my own bed with her those few days. I liked being needed, especially outside of work. She said she liked my smell. That's some deep shit, and I think it is fine for us guys to like the smell of your girl, but when it's turned around and the girl is liking her guys' smell...that is something that either makes you start thinking dedication or loony bin. I, as always, was indifferent. But I'm an idiot, as life has proven.
And I didn't call her again until I was on my way back into town the day before Turkey Day.
*
Come on and do it to me
*
That second time, that was what destroyed me. Once again, we met at the bar, and did the after party at the long ago ex's place 100 feet away and down the alley. But this time.
This time.
This time it was all different. Just because the people were all the same, we had a few things to sort out, and in between the snowflakes falling on the deck, I reached for her hand.
The random people in and out of the house, I have no idea who they were as we sat there, just sitting there, facing the street as the snow fell, big, fat wet flakes. The kind that stick to everything and even when the girl that you are finally wanting to give it all to says, We Can't See Each Other Any More.
*
Don'tcha stop.
*
I sat there, holding her hand in mine because that was all I could think to do. The snow came down much thicker, not so much a blizzard but just, heavy. I left, and I walked up the street a few blocks, and checked back into my hotel.
It was only after I had grabbed the mandatory bucket of ice and poured the whiskey that I remembered it was my birthday. Happy Thirtieth to me, and I still had Thanksgiving with an old chef to look forward to.
*
I slept until three in the afternoon that day. I made doubly sure that the blinds at that goddamn Hampton Inn weren't going to let in any sun. I was, at least in my mind and definitely within the Western World, the most miserable person at that point in time.
The TV was still on, to what who the fuck cares. I got up and vaguely recalled the fact that the woman I thought I was hoping to move all the way up to WI said, in so many words, Fuck Off.
Oh. And Die. (I'm adding this on for effect, but you get the gist). The snow was blindingly white outside.
*
So naturally, I poured a drink, took a shower, packed my crap, and picked up a pie before getting to my chef's place in Squirrel Hill. I talked a lot, drank a lot, ate a lot of good bird, and subsequently passed out for four hours.
Then I drove twelve straight hours back to Madison, WI.
I swear that poor Cavalier that I had then didn't deserve the abuse I put it through.
Regardless. I checked back into my ExtendedStay in beautiful Middleton, WI, and slept for the next two days. Not sure if I've been right in the head since then...
*
I knew it was only a matter of time. I'd made myself a regular, my seat was either at the far end of the bar closest to the door (all the better to regulate when it got to closing) or to the right or left of the four tap heads. It was a neighborhood place, the place where I met guys who went to Central Catholic with Dan Marino. I was the bad extra hand on the poker nights. The place where you feel at home but know that as soon as you enter dreams die.
...just like smoke.
*
I met her, I really can't say for sure when. I do know that I was at the end of another relationship at the time, and ending it poorly of course. I'm nearly certain that the reason I force women into ending things with me first is because I just don't know how to do it myself.
But I do remember the first time we kissed. Third week of November, 2004, a house party after we had all closed down the bar and just moved the festivities maybe...100 feet away? Doesn't matter, aside from the fact that it was a shared house with her ex and a few other people that I kinda knew. We found ourselves in the basement, the beer pong table just waiting for everyone else to join, and afterwards she said, maybe, "you're so shy..."
I couldn't commit, I was a month removed from a girl that I had once again thought was The One. I had traveled with the former GF over bumfuck PA and spent Labor Day weekend at her parents' farm, drank homemade wine with her father, revisited all her favorite haunts, even slept in a separate bed that weekend (just sayin', cause it wasn't like it didn't try to get it on...). Her father had a '67 Chevelle that he bought new and had stored in his barn, and after all this time, restored, even down to getting the fuzzy dice to hang from the mirror.
The chrome was beautiful, and that engine really did purr.
But just like I did back in the late '90s, I fell in love with the family and fell out of love with the girl. And. Well, just like it did in 1998, I had a brief talk and felt like shit afterwards. Not like I didn't deserve it.
*
if i can move it with ya...
*
So, luckily for me a huge crowd came tumbling down the stairs right as we parted and she said those words. Very few times have outside forces made me realize just how fucked up a situation is, and this was one I wasn't going to get out of without some damage.
*
will you let me take it?
*
Nothing happened that night. It wasn't until December 30 (the Eve of NYE, as I tend to remember it) that all hell broke loose between us. Sleep was never an option that night.
It's not like we ever really went out, truth be told. The random times when either her or I would think it was more than us being in bed, talking, reading together, and the occasional movie, we would correct everything appropriately.
*
I've never felt so out of control
*
But all good things, and for once I had a good reason. Promotion, better job, new city, time to move beyond Pittsburgh. And I left.
*
You don't even know what you're doin' to me
*
I came back three times. Once was OK, and it killed a part of me. We'd already been talking on the phone nearly every day. And I got back to my place and she was already in bed, and yes, it was like coming home.
And she told me how yes, she was feeding my cat, but also sleeping in my bed because she missed me. I got afraid. I got scared. But that didn't stop me from staying in my own bed with her those few days. I liked being needed, especially outside of work. She said she liked my smell. That's some deep shit, and I think it is fine for us guys to like the smell of your girl, but when it's turned around and the girl is liking her guys' smell...that is something that either makes you start thinking dedication or loony bin. I, as always, was indifferent. But I'm an idiot, as life has proven.
And I didn't call her again until I was on my way back into town the day before Turkey Day.
*
Come on and do it to me
*
That second time, that was what destroyed me. Once again, we met at the bar, and did the after party at the long ago ex's place 100 feet away and down the alley. But this time.
This time.
This time it was all different. Just because the people were all the same, we had a few things to sort out, and in between the snowflakes falling on the deck, I reached for her hand.
The random people in and out of the house, I have no idea who they were as we sat there, just sitting there, facing the street as the snow fell, big, fat wet flakes. The kind that stick to everything and even when the girl that you are finally wanting to give it all to says, We Can't See Each Other Any More.
*
Don'tcha stop.
*
I sat there, holding her hand in mine because that was all I could think to do. The snow came down much thicker, not so much a blizzard but just, heavy. I left, and I walked up the street a few blocks, and checked back into my hotel.
It was only after I had grabbed the mandatory bucket of ice and poured the whiskey that I remembered it was my birthday. Happy Thirtieth to me, and I still had Thanksgiving with an old chef to look forward to.
*
I slept until three in the afternoon that day. I made doubly sure that the blinds at that goddamn Hampton Inn weren't going to let in any sun. I was, at least in my mind and definitely within the Western World, the most miserable person at that point in time.
The TV was still on, to what who the fuck cares. I got up and vaguely recalled the fact that the woman I thought I was hoping to move all the way up to WI said, in so many words, Fuck Off.
Oh. And Die. (I'm adding this on for effect, but you get the gist). The snow was blindingly white outside.
*
So naturally, I poured a drink, took a shower, packed my crap, and picked up a pie before getting to my chef's place in Squirrel Hill. I talked a lot, drank a lot, ate a lot of good bird, and subsequently passed out for four hours.
Then I drove twelve straight hours back to Madison, WI.
I swear that poor Cavalier that I had then didn't deserve the abuse I put it through.
Regardless. I checked back into my ExtendedStay in beautiful Middleton, WI, and slept for the next two days. Not sure if I've been right in the head since then...
posted by jersn at 2:57 AM
1 comments
