when the levee breaks

talked with my DoO, Greg Jones earlier tonight. they want me to skip the Westlake opening and just go straight to Madison. talking with various people tonight i find that all they want is for me to move on, which i really appreciate. at the same time i was anticpating doing this opening and then doing Madison, but...situations have steamrolled so quickly the past couple days that i'm not sure about anything, other than the fact that i want to get out of Pittsburgh as soon as possible. so i guess this is a good thing.

*

came home tonight to find the girl still in bed, and it made me think about us, seriously, for once. we've been having some true heart-to-heart conversations the past week and i've always bypassed the serious issues by relaying a story about my past where i was i a similar situation. the truth of the matter is that i really don't know how i feel about her, even after all these months (coming up on ten, which is always a bad number for me). i feel like we have a lot to learn from each other, and that we really connect in ways i'd never expect, but at the same time i don't know how to give up my independence. granted that won't be an issue later, but at the same time i did bring this up, that i probably will be moving, but she was still gung-ho about us finally deciding to be exclusive to each other.

so strange. i want her to be here right now but at the same time i don't. maybe that's what it is: i'm not good at sharing my space.

*

it's raining now, and i recognize these sounds because of my windows. what does rain sound like in Wisconsin?

idiot kings

same week, different day. it's strange cleaning up after yourself, paying for your food, clocking in. i got used to all this for four weeks and i really don't like it anymore. mopping the floor? fuck that. pulling the broil grates and soaking them? fuck that. pulling the hood vents? fuck that. i'm beginning to understand why so many of the trainers never stuck around: they didn't want to do the work that was expected after they got back to their own stores. what i'm realizing is that you have to keep the same mentality you had before the training session in order to go back to your own store. in other words, nothing has changed.

on the other hand, i'm still doing the Westlake/Cleveland opening, and i'm still pretty much on board to take over sous chef at Madison. i'm looking at it as a transitory phase, one where they want me to prove i can do it again and prove myself there, and where i simply move into Madison with no introductory period. no big deal.

*

i've also got to deal with upper management, H.R., and everything else inbetween. aside from the girl, who i think i confessed a whole lot more than was necessary last week. my memory's a bit blurry, essentially from the alcohol. i've got bits and pieces floating around in my head and i don't know what's true and what's not. what i do know is that we spent a lot of time talking at my place before bed.

straight up (now tell me)

listening to bad 80's music. Paula Abdul, dammit. to make it even worse, it segued into the Friends theme song. damn, i'm going to miss this town.

going to be talking to Greg tomorrow (our Director of Operations, second in command) around 5. it's so strange to be doing this, i feel like i'm giving all the people i work with here in Pitts the shaft but at the same time i've gotta look out for my own best interests. if this all comes through moving is going to be a pain in the ass but sometimes you just have to suck it up. i have a growing list of questions that need answered so i guess the phone call tomorrow is a good thing. at this point i know that i'm still opening up the next store over in Westlake, west of Cleveland, and i'm planning on doing four weeks there like i did in Toledo. i'd also just like to just ramble up to Madison after that and get a feel for the area before settling in.

i swear, this business can be hell on ones' sense of home.

blue sky

too much on the mind. i've spent too much time here and there, never connecting with the people i want to. instead i'm seeing the people i never see. it's hard to break the ties that bind you when they all ask you when you're leaving again...

what sucks is that i know all the people i've known and loved all the past five years are in town (oddly enough) this weekend and i want to see them all. yet there's no way it's going to happen. i finally got the number of a long lost friend last night, so i guess all is good.

spent the last two hours looking around Madison, WI. condos are out, obviously, but i'm thinking that once i get my hands on the local paper and citypages i'll find a place that's within the proper price range. i'm done with Pitts.

goodbye to the friends. goodbye to landlords who don't care. seeya mild winters. still haven't talked to the one person that would sway all the others, but i'm done. there's nothing holding me back. i'm tired of this town, and it only took me just over five years.

done.

excuse me while i break my own heart tonight

my good friend Bel, who was kind enough to make sure the cat was fed and watered while i was gone, mentioned that she didn't see him once while i was gone.

i broke down and confessed that i not only missed the wonderful girl on Tuesday night, i think i slipped the love word in there.

somewhere inbetween the sheets i really bruised myself up pretty good. i can only hope that she's suffering half as much as me.

that's not a bad thing.

moving doesn't seem like such a bad idea. starting over in a new town with a solid job isn't such a bad gig.

i would be moving to a Big Ten town, theoretically.

on the other hand, i'd be at least nine hours away from Columbus, not that i've been there recently.

i've spent a lot of time on the phone the last few days, left a lot of messages, and am doing even more so over the next three weeks.

finding more and more that the people i know here really do care and want me to succeed, which shouldn't surprise me but it does.

you never know who's gonna crawl out of the woodwork and take care of you when you most need it.

i'm here for another three weeks or so, and then who knows, but i'm going to make the most of my time.

i really miss her.

i hate this love thing, especially since it's been nothing but disappointment and heartbreak every single time.

*

sitting in the hotel room, a couple weeks ago, i made a few phone calls, mainly in the interest of keeping myself sane but also so i didn't completely lose track of real life. one was to my friend George, who i knew had all the phone numbers that i wanted (mainly hers) but when it kicked over to voicemail i just left the generic message that i wanted to hear what's going on, etc. the next night i broke down to one of the other trainers that i really missed her and wanted her here, right now.

i can't say that i've felt that way about someone in a while, even going back to the previous girl whose parents i actually spent a weekend with. just being around her makes me feel like everything's ok. problem is, i still enjoy the time alone, by myself and not having to deal with someone else.

i'm just not made for co-dependent relationships, let alone cohabitation. regardless of how much i want it.

slide

i'm sure i've mentioned before how i tend to associate certain songs, regardless of style, with various times of life. speeding along I-80E on my way home finally i catch the beginning chords of this cheesy, goofball pop song from summer 1999 and i nearly tear up because i realize that i've accomplished nothing that i came here to do but have done so much more than those goals that sometimes it's just necessary that you have to be in the right place at the right time.

*

it's hard to have a one-on-one conversation with my Director of Operations. he talks in such a low, two-pack a day monotone that it's hard to figure out when you're supposed to just nod or when he wants you to talk. it sounds harder than it is, but every time i interject with a comment or whatever, i always feel like i'm being rude to him.

regardless, we talked today about two things, one of which bears mentioning. there's a sous chef position open in the company, and he wants me to consider taking it. i know that by making me his first choice (something i found out later in the day) he's serious about keeping me in the company, and that all my work during the past four weeks spent in opening the Toledo store has paid off, but i seriously don't know. yes, this job has it's headaches from time to time, but it's also the easiest kitchen i've ever worked in. it's more organization than creativity, the former of which i'm really good at while the latter i'm severely lacking these days.

i also have to consider the fact that our DoO is also apparently in so high of an opinion of me that he's willing to place me with our Corporate Chef. according to my Field Training Manager (who let me on that i'm the first choice for this position) the truth of the matter is that if i can hold my own i'm not that far off from running my own kitchen as Exec. Chef. on one hand i really want to jump on this boat right now. on the other, i'm scared shitless.

plus, i'd have to move to Madison, Wis. i was honestly full of anticipatory energy when i finally got back to Pittsburgh, and i haven't felt that since my ill-fated Thanksgiving trip back to Columbus in 2001.

still have to call the DoO tomorrow anyway. told him i would.