excuse me while i break my own heart tonight

my good friend Bel, who was kind enough to make sure the cat was fed and watered while i was gone, mentioned that she didn't see him once while i was gone.

i broke down and confessed that i not only missed the wonderful girl on Tuesday night, i think i slipped the love word in there.

somewhere inbetween the sheets i really bruised myself up pretty good. i can only hope that she's suffering half as much as me.

that's not a bad thing.

moving doesn't seem like such a bad idea. starting over in a new town with a solid job isn't such a bad gig.

i would be moving to a Big Ten town, theoretically.

on the other hand, i'd be at least nine hours away from Columbus, not that i've been there recently.

i've spent a lot of time on the phone the last few days, left a lot of messages, and am doing even more so over the next three weeks.

finding more and more that the people i know here really do care and want me to succeed, which shouldn't surprise me but it does.

you never know who's gonna crawl out of the woodwork and take care of you when you most need it.

i'm here for another three weeks or so, and then who knows, but i'm going to make the most of my time.

i really miss her.

i hate this love thing, especially since it's been nothing but disappointment and heartbreak every single time.

*

sitting in the hotel room, a couple weeks ago, i made a few phone calls, mainly in the interest of keeping myself sane but also so i didn't completely lose track of real life. one was to my friend George, who i knew had all the phone numbers that i wanted (mainly hers) but when it kicked over to voicemail i just left the generic message that i wanted to hear what's going on, etc. the next night i broke down to one of the other trainers that i really missed her and wanted her here, right now.

i can't say that i've felt that way about someone in a while, even going back to the previous girl whose parents i actually spent a weekend with. just being around her makes me feel like everything's ok. problem is, i still enjoy the time alone, by myself and not having to deal with someone else.

i'm just not made for co-dependent relationships, let alone cohabitation. regardless of how much i want it.