where did i go wrong

i lost a friend...

*

i hate these guys, the fray, al their songs do is remind me of WI and defeat, insignificagance, and betrayal. but i still hear them, five years after their big album.

i guess you're going to be haunted sometimes, i felt this same way about the Gin Blossoms (no laughter, please) 15 years ago. and the best part is that this song is about a video game.

*

we continue to put up good numbers despite the economy. it doesn't surprise me yet it does...location, location, location. we are told to expect a downturn in business once the new year hits, and i know it will, it's historic in this business, yet i think we will maintain. yes, we will slide from this year and even last, but it will not be anything like they (corporate) predicts. i foresee staggered business the first half and then a boom.

*

i had the perfect chance to get our resident psych to give me recomendations, yet i didn't. i have to catch myself off guard and just throw it out there and it didn't happen.

what to do...

*

regardless, i'm popping generic zantac again and dealing with insomnia. inventory is still great and labor is a joke...i know the time to stress is (maybe) coming, but we should end the year solid. the last two months have helped.

*

i get rid of her in parts. it's the only way. my bar mgr says i just need to get out there, but i can't. there's no nice way to explain how you managed to not move in with your gf until you were 31 and then have it all come crashing down immediately.

I'm almost there. but the memory still...

when you are old and grey...

i tend to forget that the shortest day of the year is often the longest.

*

"and i'm never going back to my old school"

bring some inspiration to the man

...in my head.

*

i guess i needed a weekend like this one to get me out of this funk for good. my chefs' kids were in town and i pretty much told him to have some fun with them, take some time for himself for once, and things will be fine.

and they were, i did my thing, relearning to assert myself, taking charge for the first time in a couple months and just plain making sure that business was taken care of. i cut employees long before they were due, took necessary risks, and managed inventory alone for the first time since September.

the problem is that i don't think it was enough. sales were flat, horrible, especially since after last weekend when i didn't leave the line either saturday or sunday for nearly five hours, rocking saute or the grill, we expected the same (same shows, same amount of business, right? our projections were even higher this week because of this...). but it didn't happen.

friday was ok, falling in line with what we've done the past month, but saturday...oh, it sucked. at 6 pm there was no one at the bar and you could hear that pin drop on the second floor down in the basement. today i saw our lowest sales since i started...good grief, i cut people right and left and i still never saw my labor go below 20%.

it really hurts when you do everything right and it still bites you in the ass. i worked my tail off 11 hours on friday, 12 on saturday, and 14 today. and i'm probably going in an hour early tomorrow because i've finally got my balls back and gonna have a nice chat with my troops about how my inventory sucks because of them (and their pm compatriots).

no more idiocy, i'm back in control, and taking back ownership of what was mine in the first place.

*

i was talking with one of the bartenders while i was doing the cobndiment inventory behind the bar, and i can't recall what started her response (probably the lack of business) but she started to explain sarcastically that she deals with the pain by cutting herself, and i actually found myself laughing. and then i started laughing at myself for finding it funny for the first time since getting out of Madison.

i said as much, and she asked me, did she cut herself? and i said, oh yes, and tried to overdose on sleeping pills twice. ours was a relatiobnship built upon manic depressiveness.

and i actually feel good, getting a bit of it out there with the staff, so they might stop thinking that just because i don't smile (have i ever?) doesn't mean i'm not happy.

i'll never leave you

sometimes its that bad, where you cant sleep and the mind is full of the day and you can't figure out how to discard the chaff.

it was a good a day, accomplished a lot, got inventory finished (nearly a point over, but our overall prime profit was dead on, to the hundredth percent...it does happen) and ive proved my worth at this point several times over, on line, with the paperwork, etc, yet...

what does it say about the people you work with when you can't even get a "hey good job today" out of them.

*

yes i'm pissed. i told them at the outset that i dont need that pat on the back every day but once every few months goes a long way. and i aint got shit. the whole time. what the fuck am i trying for.

there's a battle ahead, many battles are lost...

and i have to laugh, my buddy up in Madison called (only got a message, missed him, dammit), how ya doing, leaving the country for the holidays, that kind of thing. and i couldn't resist leaving the message back (apparently already flew out) that i saw how WI is already buried under at least 8" of snow, and while it may be a light rain here, it's also 65 and i have the windows open. hahahahaha.

it really is the little things.

*

so i accomplished nothing that i wanted to do these last two days, but i did get shit done. did some shopping (food!), have nearly killed off the ants (getting some spray from work tomorrow that should finish them off), cleaned the bath, most of the kitchen, and even cleared off the never used (but overflowing with mail) dining table.

i'm minorly stressing about xmas with my uncle and family. i'm not sure about which of my cousins' families will be there, but i want to get something small and appreciated for all of them but am clueless. the last time i got anything for this side of my family it was 2001 and i was on good terms with everyone. i haven't seen either cousin since then and only saw my aunt and uncle for the first time last June when i stayed over after my interview for Charlotte.

i almost wish i could just find the time to go up and spend it with my sister and her family, because they are unassuming and, well, just people. i spent an xmas with them back in...2003, maybe? can't recall, the early years and the middle years of this decade have blurred together thanks to the number of cities, circumstances, and debacles in which i've found myself.

don't get me wrong, i love all sides of my family, it's just that they seem radically different at times (and especially given history). my two cousins' weddings in the late '90s were the best of the decade (how many of you have helped your uncle build a hoopa for his daughter's mixed denom wedding?) but contact has been sparce since, well, like i said, holidaze 2001.

*

i am still yet to make good on my promise to myself that i would find a decent psych by my birthday. had a few sessions with a couple different ones but am yet to find a solid connection with any of them. and, dear God, draining the $$$ like this is not helping. i need to find a way to transport my counselor from 2002 here. now.

*

it never ceases to amaze me that we know all the signs and signals (seriously, what kind of depraved individual are you if you dont anymore) that point to some sever level of depression. i dont really know whats going on half the time, and the other half i dont care.

ok. i was going to erase that, but then i realized that i care about certain things, like work, my staff, family (most of them), and then all this other crap flooded my head.

i guess i just need to ask our in house psych (who only works on saturday) for a decent list of reccomendations, and then do the worst thing possible and ask her out.

between the dirt with our palms cut like shovels

it was a good day. in fact, despite the time that i continue to spend with my AD (as he is filling in for our maternity leave GM), he is revealing his personable side. he pulled a double today, taking over the office yet being gracious enough to let me in when i needed it. and in between we traded barbs about the band (awful "traditional" irish music) and how our two D.C. locales are going to fare with a four day, 24 hour liquor license during the inauguration.

we definitely have different politics, but i was on his side regarding D.C. four million people? seriously? the report i read meant that for the inauguration each person has 1.5 square feet to occupy. that's literally how much room you occupy, by yourself. sardines, anyone?

i haven't faced tomorrow yet but it's been a good week. got to spend some time on line, had a few parties which dragged our labor % way down (ha! 3% at 2 pm on saturday!), our food is down, should be below budget again, as we were only 1% over as of today. feeling good about monday unfortunately always makes me uneasy.

we had a new sound system put in last week and while the song mix is definitely better, we finally have "new" songs thrown in. and today, i had the chance to hear Death Cab For Cutie as well as Foo Fighters songs that i hadn't heard since living in Madison. why is it the town i want to leave in the past continues to drag itself up from a (literal) watery grave and remind me of snow covered streets and dark bypasses? chance and choice, fuck them and the process.

my dad got home late tuesday, and i finally got a message back (between dealing with the shit on saturday) yesterday, late. all is well, "don't call, we'll talk soon".

this is the first time my dad has said something like that, and he said he was on the phone with my sister when i called. sorry, but this doesn't sound good for my continued relationship with my family.

family is just another word for fun.

*

take a good hard look for the very last time
the very last one in a very long line

year after year

the demons always come.

*

it finally happened. the true belt tightening, the relegation to the line at night. which is fine, i've been hesitant to throw myself in there simply because i really didn't know how i'd react to being in that hourly position while being salary. it's different when you work your way up, even when you go through a scheduled training period where all you focus on is the menu (and not parties and street fairs, like i was thrown into the first two months i was here).

i worked saturday brunch on saute today, and i realized the severe communication breakdown that we have from time to time. in going over next weeks schedule i'm on line for two shifts...primarily to get our labor under budget, but also because that's what i'm here for. as my corporate chef V likes to say, sous chefs are labor savers. i'm almost tempted to (at this point) close monday night, just to prove the point.

today actually revitalized me. being in the heat, under pressure, making the food and seeing what our problem areas are, made it real and where we really need to improve. no more out times at 3 on the weekends. the disruption in the middle of brunch isn't worth 30 minute checks. it's not worth sacrificing the guest just for a few dollars saved, regardless of labor cost. as i've seen time and again, one bad experience affects ten (if not more) potential guests. in these times we can't afford that.

*

been txting a friend of mine in pitts regarding the x from when i lived there. it's tough not to talk to people when they provide better insight into why the x still calls you up at all hours of the night. stupidity runs amok, but quietly. i may have a small group of friends, but at least they still like me.

one step up

and two steps back.

*

working after the day is done. looking over our company's monthly review (i think i screw up spelling and punct., but it looks right regardless) while wathing NBA and NFL at a bar down the street. we have things in order, number-wise, and somehow food sales are up 5% compared to last year, while alcohol is down (overall sales, that is). i always find it odd that we don't track alcohol in these reports. they are what drive our business, after all.

i guess i'm just trying to refocus myself. it's crunch time, for a good while (cause god only knows when we're gonna stop sweating this economy thing), and we're doing good so far. yes, sales have fallen off, but we've maintained the ability to not only stay within budget, but finally get ourselves some breathing room.

and i am patting myself on the back, because i found these things myself and, as was the case two weeks ago, drop us from over 35% food cost (very bad) to under 31% (under by over .5%!) within twenty minutes. understand the system, report honestly, and make sure that what you have is reported truthfully. it's not that hard.

stuff and nonsense

i lost my phone for 36 hours. but i made up for it. talked to people, sent messages, etc.

so.

after a slight lapse, i've rediscovered the value of family. my father had a heart attack, my mom didn't see the necessity of letting my sister or myself know, my brother thinks this is b.s., and my uncle and aunt (dad's side) feel the same. as in "maybe my mom will see the light and stop stressing my father about this". not a direct quote but that's the gist...and no, she won't.

i did something that i never thought i would do, reach out to her and try and bridge the gap. i tried the family tactic, which has usually been solid with us, but apparently a first edition Longfellow, given to my great great grandfather on Lincolns birthday back in 1886 wasn't enough. i don't take much with me in my travels but i protected this. family means a lot, regardless of where they are or what they do. i still keep tabs on my cousins, even if i haven't spoken to them in ten years.

does religion really need to be that divisive?

you can pull it back together

the day is good, i get a lot of shit taken care of before work, stuff i was amazed about, racing the clock, and i'm early, way early for me (15 minutes) and am gung ho about the day. i check in with my staff, say hey to my AD, unload the coat, and am heading up to the host stand wheb my phone rings.

stupid people or collection agencies call at these times, espcially on a saturday. but it's my sister.

oh

my father had a heart attack, and all is well. and two days later, i'm the one revitalized. i still hope that my mother might come to her senses, and oddly enough it may be my brother who speaks some sense, but...

the reality of life makes you realize how small your own idiocy is.

still...fuck this shit.