Be yourself, no matter what they say

Spending money I don't have. Dressing up for a job for which I really don't have a chance. Losing entire days. Appealing the first ten weels of my unemployment. Doing the mental break.

Reading. Tangier. Morocco. Why not? Been running all my life. Why not to a different world?

Where's summer B

Breaking up is hard to do.

I miss it. Her voice, the random emails and txts at 4 a.m. Knowing that at some point she would just be able to be there. The familiarity. I even miss her dogs. But what I miss is the memories. They come back in waves but fade...

How her purse spilled everywhere out of the cab

The ride to the airport.

Meeting because I supposedly had power (thanks J).

A night in a crappy hotel.

Talking about her travels and my misadventures.

Her getting roofied (actually not a good time...)

Her telling me it will work out.

Me being an ass.

The final phone call. And how calm I took it.

And then I lose my shit.

***

At some point I should explain but now is not the time. My mInd is circling around the xx-in the Badlands and the x- dropping her purse. That was a good night.

Half the man I used to be

At 5:44 I set my alarm for noon. I woke to that song. I hate STP, although I do have a place for Interstate Love Song. but don't we all.

I ate some cold pizza while I sorted the cobwebs out of my brain. Next song on the radio was "Since I've been loving you". Perfect. Downed the remains of last nights' Jamo, and checked my face in the bathroom.

Not good, not bad. Flipped the mental coin to see if I risk shaving off the scruff. Good guys won, I turned on the shower. Sixty minutes later ive been waiting for the train for 30 minutes. I give up and call a cab.

In-between the cab and my interview I talk with a headhunter. First time for everything on a Saturday I suppose. Maybe it worked in my favor. Later that day he wants to FB me. Why not? I have nothing to lose.

Interview was pointless. Talked with the a.m. sous. Chef wasn't even in the building. I did what I could, small talk, previous experience, etc, whatever. Literally. Whatever. Only pertinent info was that neither he nor exec went to culinary. I guess I'm not the last of my kind, working my way up the chain of command despite not having that piece of paper.

Again. Whatever.

And I finally got home. Dazed. Still in shock? I don't know. Had a conversation with Laura two weeks ago regarding how she has cut off all contact with her mom and dad. I guess I couldn't see the writing on the wall.

You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye

I'm nearly 48 hours removed from the call.

It's 9/11. Ten years later and all that has changed is the scenery.

It was easy dealing with unemployment. Still jobless, but at least I'm on the govmn't dole now. Sad, but not as bad as the conversation where she said that there is no way we can ever talk or see each other again.

*

Friday was great. Got my shit back together, money in the bank, talked to numerous friends and family, everything was working my way for the first time in weeks. And like a bad sitcom the crap was saved for last.

Talking to her was the best and worst all at once. And then I had an interview the next day. And before that I spoke with a headhunter on my way to that interview. And I slept maybe three hours that night.

Two days later and I didn't sleep last night. Maybe two hours. And I don't care. Beyond caring. Beyond feeling. The last time I was the one breaking the relationship up was 2004. Since then it's always been me being dumped. Dropped. Whatever.

My sister actually thought that I was considering suicide the last time. I wasn't. And she at least gave me a laugh for saying so. But this time...It's never an option, but that doesn't mean I don't entertain the thought just to keep me awake.

*

I will fully admit that I shed a few tears because of how the idiocy with Pam went down. I'm yet to figure out if I'm hurting or belong myself by not letting it out the same way with Laura.

I won't cry. Fuck you.