Be yourself, no matter what they say
Spending money I don't have. Dressing up for a job for which I really don't have a chance. Losing entire days. Appealing the first ten weels of my unemployment. Doing the mental break.
Reading. Tangier. Morocco. Why not? Been running all my life. Why not to a different world?
Reading. Tangier. Morocco. Why not? Been running all my life. Why not to a different world?
posted by jersn at 7:14 AM
5 Comments:
Jer, things will get better because they have to. I've had a dark run myself, and had to hit rock bottom to realize that rock bottom is actually about a thousand miles below the rock I was lying on. Ultimately you are only in control of you, nothing else. You can choose a girlfriend or a job to be an ultimate thing, a thing you cannot live without, or you can say that those things weren't ultimate things at all. For me, I thought family was an ultimate thing, and that makes things precarious- a fight is not just a fight, it is a judgment of my very existence, another signal that I've failed my life and that I have no reason to live since I am a poor husband and father. In the past week I learned what I was doing. I became very aware of my selfishness and self absorption, of the fact that my self esteem was tied completely to being a father and husband, and that every failure for me in that regard meant a failure for my very existence. But, but, I choose this as an ultimate thing. I don't know if I am making sense, but Jer, I also hope I don't sound like a know it all or condescending or whatever, but I swear I've been here, I've felt some intense fear and hopelessness lately, and I realize that there really isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, there is no tunnel at all, just a perception of a tunnel. Man, I sound delirious. take care, man.
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I started a reply a few days ago...and stopped. I knew what I going to say would be false. I've seen the bottom, and it seems I just get closer to it as each day passes. My job prospects are still nil. I'm having to move in with my brother and his family. I'm broke. The girl that I knew I never had any chance with kicked me to the curb after nearly two years. I spend my days in bed with the room as dark as possible, avoiding the phone...I return calls to recruiters the most, but avoid family, friends, anyone concerned. I have a cousin in the states for the first time in twenty years and...I have avoided him.
I'm not gonna end it, don't have the balls for it, but it's one thing when there is that small glimmer of hope sometimes. I'm not liking how things are ending up, but maybe I'm meant for smaller things rather than DC.
I hope things get better for you, it sounds like you turned a corner with it all. Best wishes to the family, and chin up, right?
Things are not necessarily better here. I learn every day, and the one thing I seem to learn is the minute I think I know something, it turns out I know nothing, less than nothing. Every day requires an amazing amount of diligence and persistence. I wrote to you that there is no tunnel, just a perception of a tunnel- the problem is, if I don't remind myself every day, if I don't pray and meditate on this every day, I am back in the tunnel looking for the light at the end of it.
Things are not better here. Not by a stretch. I still feel like I have failed my very existence.
it's 1:43, i've been up since 6:30 this morning and returned to my brother's house only shortly before midnight. nearly 300 miles today, and it seems half of them were spent in Georgetown just trying to find parking.
going back to that first comment you made TJ...
I realized from a young age that there were two things that seemed to define me (with a variation on one, but i'll get there): family, and what I do. the latter always dependent upon the stage of life, and obviously in the last 18 years or so, that would be work.
my first real paycheck came at age seven from my grandfather for picking up the trash littering the road into and out of the farm. as soon as he stamped it he said If you were a wise man you would never cash this and hold onto it forever.
I wish I had.
after tax and whatnot I earned $7.53 for my effort. and inbetween i viewed school as work, music lessons as work, and they all had varying amounts of success at the time.
family is something i cared deeply about for many years, and it's not that i don't anymore, it's that in being so far removed for so long it's that i ended up supplanting them with various relationships. i fall in love too easily.
and now, when all i am doing is paying off past bills, interviewing non-stop, and doing random chores around the house, i find not so much a disconnect as just a lack of feeling. i find myself more concerned with how my brother's family interacts with each other rather than actual concern -for- them. my father is having back surgery next week and it's destroying my brother and his wife with anxiety and worry but isn't even phasing me.
i had yet another great breakup with a girl i was sure i could patch things over with last month. and it did get me down...for a week. there have been times when i wondered what may have been, and that's when i pull up her company profile with, in her words, The Worst Picture Ever.
i'm beyond rambling now, and i'll try to find a way to tie this all together, but apparently right now it isn't going to happen.
i wish us both luck in finding a way to make it all work again. a more clearly defined, less intangible self that isn't so dependent upon outside influences.
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