I'll stop trying to make a difference

I'm not trying to make a difference/
I'll stop trying to make a difference/
No Way.

*

I wrote about a day in the life back in 2003, essentially a lifetime ago and then some when I think about it now.  The idiocy I was in store for was unimaginable to the person I was back then.  What I deal with now, on a nearly daily basis, is this:

I come in early today, because my GM has a social function to go to tonight.  No big deal, as I am out running around and work is my last stop anyway.  I end up there ninety minutes early, but that proves to be a good thing:  I misread my own order guide from the previous day and need to run to the store for salt (I need to work the kinks out of this guide, but this is a minor concern).  I had a feeling then that this day was just going to go downhill from that.

I get back, close out the a.m. shift with money and bar drawer, and immediately realize that my GM never did a shift sheet for the day.  I then have the bad realization that I am stuck with two new hires working the floor, a new host, and three menu tests that I need to grade to see just how bad the new servers are.

I deal with the money idiocy and am grading tests when at 6:15 I hear from the kitchen "Where is Jeremy?"  That's when I knew that there was no grace given for a day that was greeted with open arms.

Spent the next 105 minutes working the grill because my closing cook was 30 minutes late and couldn't give me the courtesy of calling.  I sent him home at 8:30.

My two new servers couldn't listen to my clear instruction as I was cashing them out.  They not only didn't check out with my other staff, they did no sidework or closing duties.

In between I still found time to talk with a few regulars, do the meet and greet, do a small business talk with the local business bike club folk, and kiss some babies.  I'm sure you can figure out what I didn't do...

*

And after that complete shitstorm, I still ended up back working the line for a bit, and ran a lot of dishes through, and organized the dishpit yet again.  Scrubbed the front kitchen floors.  Dumped multiple trash cans.  Prepped bread for tomorrow.

*

I got the customary call from the owner tonight.  I didn't mince words.  He admitted that it's a good thing he hired me, because with the idiocy of tonight it would have been chaos otherwise.  My GM will step on the line and cook but he's never there at night.  Everyone else but me is useless.

"I need more people like you," he says.  "This is why I'm here.  All I do is make it happen" I reply.

It was the phone call that made the day worth waking up for.  Well, that and seeing my substitute closing cook finish his beer at 12:59 a.m. tonight.

Relief that the job is done.

*

I used to think that this song was about giving up, but it's not.  It's about hope.

i'm allowed

Thought that I was welcome, but felt like I should get lost.

*

Days grow shorter, but the weather gets warmer.  I shouldn't complain, I am in Savannah, GA.  A 55 degree night is hardly uncommon, even in the days of global warming.

*

I wanted to just write random stuff but after the slow load for some reason I'm losing my motivation.  I'll grab a walk.  'Cause ya know, I haven't been on my feet all day anyway...

*

I walk the streets of DC a lot, at least in my head.  It has been the only place I've lived where I really never thought about where I had been before.  Perhaps it was the work I had already invested in moving there, maybe it was simply because I had already been on the road so much and been to other places that I was ready to settle in a new place and not even think about Charlotte.

Don't get me wrong:  Charlotte was perhaps the best working and life experience I'd had since Pittsburgh.  Living within walking distance of any and all nightlife, let alone the great stores and restaurants that were there in Uptown.

I'm fishing for something good in my head and it's just not happening.

*

I'm lonely but not alone.  My aunt is here, and has proven to be a continual source of enlightenment.  I'm tired but not.  Even on my worst days at work right now I'm still accomplishing so much more that I would have anywhere else.  Duality is not without its purpose.

*

I would have these long talks with Laura about how difficult it was to separate from my family, the reasons, who I am still in contact with, those who think my mother is crazy.  And she would tell me about how her mother or father, who live in Connecticut and Chicago respectively, would have the police check up on her randomly.  She was also tired of their random decisions to just "stop over" for a week or two, just to make sure she was ok.

It all sounded reasonable.  And then she said that we were through, and it needed to be final, and no contact, no nothing.  And I had known this to be a done deal before but we just didn't know how to pull the plug on what seemed to be a good thing and neither of us knew how to make it grow into a decent relationship.

Or at least something that we might like to further and see what happens.  I suppose my consolation is that she said she was done with her parents pulling this crap on her, and wasn't talking to them.  Eh.  I'd be surprised if this happened.

*

Two years ago I was living in DC, walking the gfs' dogs, and happy as fuck.  Two years later I'm in Savannah and there is no snow on the ground, I'm working at a place where I still look forward to working every day, and I'm trying to be part of the dream of retiring by 50.

My bank account says otherwise, but we're working on it.