It's 9:26 on August 4, 2026

 I first read Kitchen Confidential, or at least the first quarter of it, in the chefs office. It was my second restaurant gig. Chef liked me, realized I had potential. It was a slow night, he was in the process of moving, so more than a few of his books were in the office. This was late 2001.  I've owned and lost no less than five copies of that book in the ensuing 25 years. It did change my life. But in ways that I didn't expect. 

All those people, all those tropes and stereotypes and cliches that he brings up in different chapters, yes, they are all real, still in this present day and age. It's not the same as it was in the 70'/80's/90's or even the 00's. It's still a brutal industry, and if you're a milquetoast you will still get eaten alive.  All that in mind, I'm not sure about this. 

I've been Burnt, lol, too many times by supposed realistic looks into the chef world. Doesn't matter if it's small or silver screen, it seems like media, aside from print, just can't figure it out. See also: The very short lived TV series of Kitchen Confidential. And...I can go on for hours.  Don't get me wrong, Big Night was great. The first season of Chef! was killer. First episode of The Bear was haunting me for weeks, but the show just hasn't lived up to potential, personally. If Julie & Julia could be cut down to just Julia, I think we would have a solid film.  

I like the idea of Bourdain living on in how he made us stupid Americans know there's more to life than burgers and BBQ and hot dogs. Not that we didn't know that already, but he made it approachable and down to earth in a way no one has done before or since. His death by his own hand pissed me off the same way that David Foster Wallace did nearly ten years previous.  

And yeah, I know we don't know what he was going through, the thought process, but I've been there. In a manner of speaking. I can't recall the author, but "The thought of suicide keeps me awake at night" is a quote I had in the back of my head for over a decade.  I went through a bad breakup 15+ years ago. I had to go stay with my sister and her family for a month. It was not easy. But after having that final call with my ex-gf, I broke down in their living room. I'm still happy my sister didn't try to console me, but really did ask me: "You aren't gonna kill yourself, right?"  I laughed, a very sad laugh. More like a sigh.  

*

The question is how I replied to that. 

I'm not proud of my answer these days, but I stand by it.