started hummin' a song from 1962

ain't it funny how the night moves.

*

i feel lost sometimes, aimless simply because I work and then what? I threw Boswells Life of Johnson in with the stack of books that I brought with me and I still have yet to crack the spin of a book that I bought ten years ago. in a city i haven't lived in for the same amount of time.

i actually want to get out, go out, do something, but i'm not strong. i'm weak, i can't focus, and i'm mired in the past and especially work. these are excuses i know but i'm afraid. i'm afraid of taking this kitchen over, of moving into a new life, of moving on. of asking that one server out, because she's cute and fun, but really because she has a ph.d in psychology. she knows no one, has spent the last ten years in school with no life, and we're both starting from square one.

i don't know.

*

with autumn closing in...

yeah we can't dance together

once again it's not so much that i miss her it's that i miss the idea and reality of her that she brought. i was finally able to settle into a routine with her, one where we still had spontinaity but also regularity, like that kiss before i walked out the door. the little things that you never think matter until you don't have them anymore.

i will admit all these things and more, but it doesn't matter because i am so far removed from it. i gave everything and received nothing in return aside from a wounded soul and a new direction in life. thank you.

you made a fool of me

but them broken dreams have got to end

*

living in Charlotte. the guy that was hired for the exec chef position literally walked out at 12:10 three saturdays ago after being here two weeks. he didn't think he needed to work nights apparently. so in the meantime i've been doing the majority of the grunt work and my corporate chef V has done the paperwork.

this last weekend was a wakeup call to my physical and mental stability. between thursday and saturday i put in 38 hours and i went in sunday feeling fine but around noon i was lightheaded and loosing consciousness. after a two hour quasi-nap where i just came in and out of sleep i managed to finish inventory at 11:55, effectively putting my hours in four days at 53. and i still had monday.

we also finished the week $105 short of breaking $100k. i haven't seen business like that in years. but i was having visions of the proverbial coronary on the line in the middle of business (like one of my old chefs actually did, when he was also 32), and all day sunday all i could think about was how i don't want to go out like that.

*

the problem is, i'm actually having fun for the first time in years. i get to be creative, i'm actually involved in making banquets happen, i'm able to take a bit of pride in what i do. it's gratifying to work here. that"s not to say that it is not without it's usual headaches, i still get to fight with my AD over labor budget and food cost. oddly it's not food cost that's killing me for once, it's the fact that i can't schedule proper staff so that i don't have to work 13 hour days and still not get all my work done. it's frustrating.

but fun.