when there's no where else to run

is there room for one more son...

*

i can only say this: i want to sleep, but sleep is the devil. tired, so very tired

another head aches

another heart breaks.

*

i spent two hours on the phone with my old chef, talking about all our old idiocies and me trying not to fly off the handle about this stupidity at work. i realized how much i despise peoples' motivation just to make themselves look better, especially when it affects the very people i am responsible for.

*

finally talked with V about this atlanta gig, and how i've accepted that this is the next logical step for me, personally and careerwise, and that i just need to throw myself all in. and there's even a backup plan already, if atlanta doesn't work out then burlington, vt is an option, as well as future openings in philly, boston, or even vegas. ha! vegas...

but who knows. my goals for now are to law down the law with my own staff and try to make sure that i survive unscathed by my own management team screwing the pooch with this labor issue.

seriously, what are the odds that i am going to be the whisle blower on the same issue twice?

[red dot]

and im pacing here, back and forth on my outside stairs, questioning everything.

yes, business is good, sales are good, we still put up very positive numbers every week, month, shit, last i saw (one months numbers company wide) we are still up 10% from last year. thats damn good right now.

my labor cost has come in consistently at nearly 2% under budget the last few weeks. i wasnt worried until today. one of my best daytime cooks approached me after he clocked out at 3 p.m., said he needed to talk. he shows me his clock-out slip, and i dont even hesitate. i will take care of this, i tell him, i promise.

three phone calls and 45 minutes later im told that this has gone all the way to the top and that i need to move myself as far away as possible from this, because heads are going to roll.

once again, my immediate superiors are altering in- times for employees. but this time, it goes much further than my immediate staff. all staff, all hourly employees' time-in has been changed, to reflect the scheduled time that they are to start. this is even to the point of shaving just one minute off of the clock in time in some instances.

i am pissed off, i am annoyed, i am in disbelief that stupidity runs rampant in this business, with people who know better.

you can't do this, the DOL will be all over your ass in a second. wtf. and now, twice in my lifetime, i get to deal with the same situation.

same career, different company, same situation. i will not tolerate idiocy.

while everything's lost the battle is won

i drank too much after work last nite, and watched us get decimated by this fabrics convention. it was good, don't get me wrong, but our staffing was very poorly planed. i question our decisions to cut sometimes, especially when we know that the rush of people is coming. yes, it helps the bottom line but will it increase business when we can't take care of the guest?

i feel like i need to get a pep talk from Mr. Jones, my previous VP and someone that as a lowly flunky i was able to talk to, endlessly. he understood the guest like no one and knew how to anticipate problems before they got to a head. we still talk about him, V and i, how much we hated him yet learned so much at the same time. and he, V, is over 10 yrs older than me.

i finally wrote out a list of idiocies that i've seen since my GM went on maternity leave, and it's all bad. our AD can't do the GM's job for shit, and it shows. and all i want to do is my job properly, effectively, and efficently. it sux.

on the othe side, i think i found my new home away from home. a few blocks away, hot bartender (no joke), and decent crowd. it's all good in charlotte...

when you left you took all memory of me with you

leaving me with no hope of ever being loved

*

i had my fill of work last monday around 8 p.m. and then sat at the bar for a few hours. sometimes it helps me think when i see the people that work for me go about their business, how they interact with the guests, what they talk about, things like that. a double of lagavulin and a few smithwicks helps too, but kalibur only tastes good when you're on the wagon.

inbetween talking to out of town lawyers, bartenders, servers, and drunk off-work employees, i wrote out a few questions in regards to this Atlanta problem staring me in the face. it's not so much that it's do or die for me, because i like to think my position is secure here in Charlotte, but i've come to really like it here. pittsburgh i either loved or hated and it always fluxuated, madison i was indifferent to, then hated, then just merely liked before really hating it, but Charlotte...i loved this town from the moment i came down here for my interview.

and i still haven't really taken advantage of anything. i still don't go out, i don't socialize, don't do a damn thing except work, think about work, and try and rebuild my life from the outside in. i'm going to look at this great old wood desk desk tomorrow morning before work (it has a hidden typewriter space in the middle...ingenious) and it fits perfectly in the window slot that faces my quiet street. third floor view, shaded, people watching, and words. God bless craigslist.

but the thing i guess bothers me most is that i'm really comfortable here, in fact, more so than i've been in years. i'll admit i grew disenchanted with pitts before it was probably time to move on, but the only thing i was able to take from madison was a few good business connections, work experience, and a continual sense of loss, which is finally fading.

i feel good here, and it makes me not want to go elsewhere and start over again. in less than a year.

corporate is pushing to get Atlanta open in March, i'm sure just in time for St Pats, but i don't know. my corporate chef V is pushing hard for me to be the one to take the kitchen, be that guy, the man, and while it's a great compliment (he knows how fucked up this year has been for me) and he's one of the very few people i would hate to disappoint, my gut says stay here.

it sucks, too, because this would be a great experience and big resume boost (gotta look at all angles). i've opened four restaurants, but never in this position and with this kind of say and power. the opening staff and those thereafter for a number of years feed off of this (believe it or not) and from the start i'd have some sway in where the overall feel of the business goes.

and i like this company, a lot. still not sure how solid they are but we all put up good numbers and getting stuff taken care of never seems to be an issue. i can see being with them a long time, and that's not easy to say. i'm...comfortable.

side note, i swear this is the best group of writers that SNL has has in years. maybe two or three bad skits? and weekend update was great, palin and all. holy fucking shit! polls may just shift because the public thinks she knows how to laugh at herself (which in and of itself is not a bad thing...the laughing bit, that is).

anyway. i had quite a few non-negotiable things in regard to Atlanta...relocation expense, having the final say over my sous chef, meeting our regional director one-on-one, and same for the future gm. these things have to happen otherwise i don't happen. oddly enough, salary, benefits, they're in there but there's breathing room.

those other things, it's all or nothing.

it was easy when you were younger

you can put it back together.

*

today was that kind of day, where i actually woke up early, only hit the snooze once, felt alive and refreshed, and despite still feeling a bit lost, all was right with the world. the air was crisp here in Uptown on my walk to work, the sun bright and unhindered by the miserable, cold rain of the night before. i could even see whisps of the hvac units on top of the Hearst Tower, a first, and it lifted me higher.

inside the restaurant at 9, and after making my tea, updating our sales numbers from yesterday, checking on my staff, saying hello and such, i went back to the office, sat down, and came to the conclusion that there was no plausible reason for me to be here this early, because there was nothing for me to do.

so i grabbed a leftover muffin from the sandwich bar, talked to the opening FOH manager for a few minutes, and realized that this is the first time since i've been here that i'm in this position. and i basically found ways to make life that much easier for myself and chef D tomorrow. make the damn split pea soup (15 minutes to get it cooking, followed by 2 hours of just letting it simmer), make soda bread, make the new app that starts on the new dinner specials menus tonite, and then spend an hour cleaning and organizing the walk-in cooler (we are due for our quarterly health inspection, after all-doesn't hurt to get a jump on things), followed by some small controlled demolition of bulk junk that's been building up behind the compactor.

it seems so trivial, at least to me, the stuff that i do sometimes in this business, but in some form or fashion it is all necessary for various reasons. i'm not sure i understand it sometimes, but i suppose if i had that true moment of clarity i would really just go insane.

completely aside from everything else, this filet that i'm eating is rocking my world. this may be the best damn meal i've made for myself ever. and there's something to be said for being able to eat green beans our of the pot you cooked them in with no fear of chastisement. i'm trying to reverse the trend i have lately where i get off work and immediately veg in bed, even though there's so much that i need to do.

i have to reinstill some kind of motivation, ya know.

and i'm listening

i wad transported, for a second, back to pittsburgh, to my life there. but just for a second. and then it was gone. moving forward, not back to idiocy.

may your seasonal affective disorder take you lightly

with thanks to Colson Whitehead, who i may get to see later this month. maybe the lack of my corporate chef and the chef i'm training now will have a say in how i'm asking for an early out on a saturday, but so what. i'll schedule heavy.

V, the corporate chef, is going to be on the road that week. new chef, D, is off that weekend because it's the one year anniversary of his wife's death. so i'm left in control again, with too many idiocies.

*

always a groomsman, never the groom? i guess that's how i feel in these situations. i do it all the time, yet no one will give me the singular title.

and yes, that weekend's gonna be a bitch.

missing the war

feeling lost but focused. on the eve of traveling to Columbus i'm at ease. i look around the three rooms i've managed to finish and feel good. aesthetics go a long way sometimes.

finally responded to the x's query as to whether i had received any mail. yes, i say, but not from WI. i send this message and all i feel is bile, rising in my throat.

i've never understood this, the disconnect and possible hatred that one has after a breakup. disassociation i can deal with, but this...i have a hard time remembering when we were happy at this point. i've actually made a point of going back and thinking about "us" and not even the move in together is there. it's gone, erased. i see us hiking thru the Badlands and Rushmore and even Crazy Horse, but my head has told me that there's nothing left.

*

we had the getting to know you talk, the new chef and i, and it went well for the first time ever. we've both had our personal losses and have dealt with them in our own way. he just recently stopped calling his wifes' cell because he knows she's not rising from the dead, and still travels back to VA just to see his kids. he tells me this the first day we meet, and i feel like shit because if it.

he tells me later, a few days, that he still has a hard time going thru their stuff in storage. it's all consequential at this point, i tell myself, because while i may have lost everything, he lost his wife to a drunk driver almost one year ago.

and i can't begin to understand.

i got soul, but i'm not a soldier

strange, easy days. almost frightening how smooth the last few days have been, being more of an administrator than an actual player at work. the chef i'm helping train has undergone a complete 180 since we canned his supposed sous last sunday, and i'm fully confident that he's gonna open the Louisville store with no real issues.

my own new chef here in Charlotte, on the other hand, has fit in seemlessly. he spotted the problem areas immediately and has already made an impact in only four days. he might end up being one of the best chefs i've ever worked with/for.

as my taking over Charlotte didn't happen due to a return to the original plan, which was to make sure that i knew this company inside and out, i had a brief conversation with my corporate chef today. apparently Atlanta has been bumped forward and they want to open by the end of the year, and our FBD wants me to be the front runner.

and i was just getting comfortable.

nothing is set in stone, and there's a lot of variables in play (i don't even know where to start) with this opening, and frankly if it were up to me in these uncertain times (my new favorite phrase) i wouldn't open up any more stores after Louisville, but i'm not in charge. this move is also entirely up to me as well, obviously, assuming it's formally offered in the first place.

i guess we'll see what happens. in the meantime i'm slowly rebuilding my life. i have a nice (for IKEA) set of bedroom furniture, kitchen crap (very important), and received a table and chairs from my GM today, despite being very great with child and on maternity leave until december. i'm making a trip up to columbus next week to not only finally pick up all the stuff i have stored at my dads', but also to see my cousin N who is paying his first visit to the states in ten years. he moved to the Chezch Republic in the early 90's and hasn't looked back.

but the personal life is still lacking. i lack any kind of confidence and just...i don't know, i can't go out at all. it's not that i'm turning anti-social or agoraphobic, i talk all the time and walk everywhere (did i mention the fact that i live in downtown Charlotte?). i just don't have the ability to move beyond this certain point right now.

i wake up with the lingering images of last nights dreams in my head, and they are all disturbing. people i grew up with, people i haven't seen or even thought about in years, strangers that i vaguely recognize...last night someone committed seppuku on themselves but was still able to take out the person that forced them into that before they died. it was pretty brutal for a dream. it's been stuck with me all day long, and it sucks because today was a really good day.

at least it didn't ruin the day for me.

boogie with stu

i'm laying on the floor of my apt, still revelling in the fact that i have a place to call my own. yes my bed is empty but i like it, need it that way right now. i had this dark cloud following me last week and it wasn't until the x from four years ago called that i put all the pieces together...the most recent x, had sent me an email last tuesday. first communication from her since i had laid it all out a month ago.

and no, i didn't get any mail forwarded.

*

the underlying theme in a lot of my classes at OSU was the significance of the "other", and especially the theme of "why do bad things happen to good people?"

it was the mid 90's, what did you expect?

and i find myself thinking about these things, a long time and distance removed from them. there was a point in 2002 where i thought i had it all together, but i self destructed. i also rebuilt myself, tho, but also destroyed everything in the process. i lost literally everything this past year and am still recovering from it.

*

chabon wrote about the disease of writing in the beginning of Wonder Boys, and while i think he got most of it right, he missed this: you live to write, or you write to live.

but again, maybe that's what he was getting at.

laying on the floor again, listening to ryan adams, whiskeytown, on a mix cd that i guard with my life. "so i started this damn country band. 'cause punk rock was too hard to sing"