all you want to do is something good
and you walk out tonight, feeling successful yet pissed because it's always that last bump at the end that sets you off. and the weekends, they're the worst, because employees want their food before they work, and they never ask beforehand, yet wonder why the kitchen doesnt make their food until 30 minutes have passed.
you walk to the grocier, because Smithwicks is on call after these last 12 hours, but the last thing you can deal with is other people screaming at some uptown bar. on the way back you crack open one and drink it all before hitting your front door.
but that's never really the problem. the problem is that you were at the same grocery store the previous nite and everywhere you went were thanksgiving foods...stuffing, turkeys, potatoes...things that because of their uptown location they don't carry half the time. and this stays with you, embedding itself thoughly in your psyche because it's that time of year.
and you think about where you were ten years ago, how spending a month in chicago changed how you thought your life should be. be something else, do something else, dont be afraid of making mistakes.
and this affects your dreams, as it has all week, but it wasn't until the previous nite that you put it all together. and you realize the choices you make are yet again entirely your own, and that there is no one to hold responsible but yourself. but that's still ok.
it's fine.
it's ok. you're not gonna sink into the doldrums that surround the holidays (and your birthday), but you know at the same time that it's already done.
all you think about is the good times last year, shopping for dinner with the x, not getting a tree but throwing lights up in the windows, the snow everywhere...being able to simply sleep with your arm around her because you knew that no matter hard it may be day-to-day, at least you have each other.
and you try not to think forward, past this period of the year, but it doesn't work. you escalate past everything, and all you can see is both of them betraying you.
and regardless...you keep going, because this is the life you asked for, ten years ago, and you look forward to 14 hour days and a lack of a life and...tomorrow you get to make split pea soup at 9 o'clock.
you walk to the grocier, because Smithwicks is on call after these last 12 hours, but the last thing you can deal with is other people screaming at some uptown bar. on the way back you crack open one and drink it all before hitting your front door.
but that's never really the problem. the problem is that you were at the same grocery store the previous nite and everywhere you went were thanksgiving foods...stuffing, turkeys, potatoes...things that because of their uptown location they don't carry half the time. and this stays with you, embedding itself thoughly in your psyche because it's that time of year.
and you think about where you were ten years ago, how spending a month in chicago changed how you thought your life should be. be something else, do something else, dont be afraid of making mistakes.
and this affects your dreams, as it has all week, but it wasn't until the previous nite that you put it all together. and you realize the choices you make are yet again entirely your own, and that there is no one to hold responsible but yourself. but that's still ok.
it's fine.
it's ok. you're not gonna sink into the doldrums that surround the holidays (and your birthday), but you know at the same time that it's already done.
all you think about is the good times last year, shopping for dinner with the x, not getting a tree but throwing lights up in the windows, the snow everywhere...being able to simply sleep with your arm around her because you knew that no matter hard it may be day-to-day, at least you have each other.
and you try not to think forward, past this period of the year, but it doesn't work. you escalate past everything, and all you can see is both of them betraying you.
and regardless...you keep going, because this is the life you asked for, ten years ago, and you look forward to 14 hour days and a lack of a life and...tomorrow you get to make split pea soup at 9 o'clock.
posted by jersn at 12:51 AM
3 Comments:
You know, can I be honest with you? I'm not going to say anything happy to you right now, just as a warning. When El and I fight, sometimes I think we should get divorced, but the funny thing is, if we did decide to get divorced, I don't think I could live, at least not how I'm living now. My life would be utterly consumed with pain. I don't know if I could go to work, I don't know if I could keep going. I wouldn't even bother with suicide, but I would kill myself through self pity, ultimately.
Or, maybe I would heal. I don't know. Meaning would sure be hard to come by, I know that for sure.
And, you know holidays are a bitch. Like, I remember how important Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be, but you know those times are betrayed by the ones closest to you, they never know how important those times are and can easily brush them off because of their own self-centeredness, and of course that is a reflection of our own self-centered-ness oh, i don't know what the fuck, here's to another goddamned New Year that's a quote from the song 'The Ice of Boston' by the Dismemberment Plan, by the way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oASJ5dsjkQI
I hope my post made sense. I'm sorry, man. I wish I too knew why life is so stupidly tragic and random. It's amazing anyone ever has the courage to step outside.
i understand it all, because it's how i end up going to sleep every night, wondering what went wrong and how i ended up here. it's not like i can't connect those dots, work-wise, but relationship.
it's hard, even after six, seven, eight months, and i know this these last two months are catagorically hard for me, but it's systematically worse this time around.
all that happens is that i throw myself more into work, because it's usually a decent diversion. but it still hits me at odd times, i'll be heading into the office for some stupid reason and catch a few bars of the current song on our musak and just lose all focus. gone. and i'll have wasted my time going in there, because everything got derailed.
but i go on because i still like to think i have a sense of purpose, in some way or form.
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