something the boy said

took courage from our numbers, what we sought we did not fear...

*

it's a difficult position to be put in, one where you have to be that guy, making corrections, getting it all back into the company line. but no power. change, but no say. no power. no nothing. i ask the questions and send my remarks to someone else. i wonder what i've gotten myself into.

i sent an email to our F&B guy and no response. i wonder...

*

i'm in one of our DC locations starting next week. tired, still, but fired up. let it come. let it rain down. i'm ready.

*

food for a crow...

things i lost along the way

i wish i had less to say...

*

i've moved a lot in the last ten years. counting columbus, oh, there's four cities. i grew up in columbus, spent the most time (thus far) in pittsburgh, some years in madison, wi, and am now down in charlotte, nc. when i was young and stupid i had my own website, long since deleted because it was free and then they wanted $20/mth. so it went away. and then the lj. and myspace. and now, in sunny 2009, fb and twit.

things i've lost. moving is harsh, critical, and downright difficult if you don't do it right. i did the first few times, and then stopped caring. but along the way, i lost something. i'm not sure what, still trying to figure it out. maybe interest in my own past. or just trying to let it all go.

i used to make a list on the website, just a catalogue of my life. this is a catalogue of what i've lost. with no regard to time or place. it's not something i'm happy about, but i'm trying something new.

*

what i lost:

my first real kiss: 1/1/94

my life: Labor Day, '98.

innocence: 9/11/01. it was't NYC but they evacuated Pittsburgh. still mindblowing having my class interrupted because of air raid sirens. 1950 all over again.

sorting thru my life, 2002. i packed it all up in boxes from Columbus and threw it in the basement. and then i threw it all out. wasn't easy, but who aside from the mom who doesn't give a shit really cares anymore about those drawings from preschool?

2004: moving your life five states away sucks. even more when you put 90% in storage.

lost: all Sega SMS, Genesis, PC, lots o' files, paintings, artifacts (all family related), sound system i spent over $1K on, speakers, kitchen stuff, good knives, tables, chairs, bed, clothes, and worst, depending on your perspective, my desk chair. i loved that piece of 1955.

and of course, books. my philosophy, religion, and english text are gone. no more Marcus Aurelius. no more multiple versions of the Bible. goodbye textbooks that provided countless hours of british poetry and literature.

*

and yet, clearing the remains out last July made it all worth losing it all. no more storage, nothing left but that desk that i find a way to move everywhere.

but where's the chair...

time

and then one day you find, ten years have got behind you...

*

here in Evansville, IN. my old chef who i had dinner with tonite said "Dayton" and it finally made sense. no matter where i go anymore, i've reached the point where it reminds me of somewhere else. i ended up manning the grill for the meat and tuna tonite too, which is always his way of saying "fuck you but you're all right."

*

had my hair cut today, did some stuff around a town i feel like i know but i don't. email from my AD says i'm going back to DC, firing a few people, trying to rebuild a store and market in Arlington. sucks. i like those guys, and it's hard to be the bad guy when you think the wrong thing is happening. we'll see.

my step-niece (is there a such thing?) looked me up on FB...gonna do the whole dinner thing, etc. i'm hoping it's gonna be good, my brother says he's back on good terms with her and she says the same, but...i really wish this year of reconnections and relations would end.

i know i should be talking about life in the fast lane with the restaurant here, and that's what it was at first, but life's idiocies tend to take over. i could talk about how fucked up the food inventory is wherever i go, or how they don't follow recipes, or how a culinary grad does't know how to cool food properly...but it gets tiresome, it stresses me out, it makes me want to slap people silly.

so instead, i'll forget about it for a second, and say that it was nice to have a home cooked meal. i spent this evening with a previous chef of mine, someone i like and even after only working with him daily only three months he invited me over for Turkey Day. i turned that down for the honor of going back to Pittsburgh so i could get dumped by my girlfriend on my 30th. hindesight.

*

i get this message, yesterday, and i know it's not serious, but it made me think: what if i could get out of this. it's not that i hate it, not anything like that, but i see myself in the guy who i've looked up to these past several years, and even he is saying "if only..."

"i can't do this when i'm 55"

i'm 34 this year. no kids (knock on wood). i have decent business connections. i maintain contact with three out of probably a thousand people i've worked with, simply because they are the only three who continue to prove themselves.

i like my job right now. i get to travel around, see how fucked up everything is, and try to fix it in a matter of days with the knowledge that as soon as i leave everything reverts to what it was before me. it gets old, unfortunately. you want to make an impact, a few days, some bright faces when you say that this is how it needs to be, but all for nothing.

*

i know i quoted this before, but, whatever:

"I'm a little lonely these days."

*

"no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun."

segue into a Dave Gilmor solo