monsterman

so let's see if this actually doesn't run it all together.

*

sleepless.  listless.  full of energy at all the wrong times.  finding connections at all the wrong times and places.  if anything, i do have maybe two decent phone interviews early next week.  really just need to get transportation more than anything.  this, more than -anything- else, is what impedes my progress, and i just don't know how to fix it anymore.

*

my brother, talking to him a few months ago, he says You're pretty good at making things work, finding ways out of situations.  and all i can say is that Sometimes things really don't work out the way you think, or expect, or how they should have.

over the last eleven months i've been offered quite a few jobs, and either they passed on me or i had to pass on them because of time or circumstance.  and both kind of kill me.  nah.  scratch that. it just kind of pisses me off and really, really depresses me.

*

nothing like having to pass on a great job because i couldn't make it happen.  time, circumstance, location, fuck.  not going to lie.  southern maryland has been a boon in the singular fact that i am still sleeping in a decent bed with a roof over my head.  that is the positive.  the negatives build up more every day.  how anyone lives here outside of the military or contractor industry is beyond me.  really.  transportation is a bust.  it's nothing but big box retail or nothing.  fast food or nothing.  i just don't get it.

*

if anything, it gives me time to finally catch up on sleep, which i'm good at these days.  i walk several miles a week, say hi to the neighbors when i'm typing off the back deck while they burn off the remainder of last years hurricane, walk my landlords' dog, try to get used to the fact that music is online and not on disc anymore and just plug my headphones in and let 'er rip.

fuck.

nothing like having it all, losing it, and having nothing to show for it.

fuck.

it's time i got back

and i don't even know how i got off of track

*

falling out of life is strange and weird. i walk more. no car. i talk to people when i feel like it. i have that strange luxury, time isn't pressing. do i do the things i want to? not really. am i writing, reading, exploring the outdoors? no, no, and no.

*

i suppose the music aspect can be just crossed off with just one ex...i am still finding new music i like, although just through random places. my pandora.com account is pretty damn good these days and scales the realm from the '60s to now. can't complain. nothing like tooling something to your liking over nearly three years.

*

but.

*

one of my better past friends' wife is doing the Lupus walk in DC tomorrow. they bug me to come, or at least find a way to meet up. and maybe i can make it work. but the magic is gone. i used to work miracles. made lamb chops that were completely unprepared, fix them up and service in under 20 minutes. make rice in under 10 minutes. cook random pasta in the same time. the odd crap that would go wrong with some party, and having to fix it. speaking with the guests. mingle. put on the good face while the sweat pours down my back, hoping that the dessert doesn't settle. knowing that maybe never getting that degree, regardless of what it may have been, english, random culinary, who cares, doesn't mean crap now, as i'm holding a signature cake together with toothpicks and a ganache that i pray will actually solidify 'cause i didn't add that much irish cream for once...

*

but. i once worked miracles. for a while, i made a few peoples' lives better, just for a wedding, funeral, who cares. just for a bit, liking to think i did make a difference, and yes, i did. it's the little things.