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can't find a way to move beyond everything. stuck in the past, reliving everything every single day. feel like my mind is facing some kind of meltdown, but in that reasonable, this is how it goes kind of way. lost.

so sad, all the time. i get out of the funk at random times, but it's not enough. don't even know how to describe it any more, it's so pervasive that it underlies everything that i do. but nothing helps...can barely take care of myself anymore, my home is a disaster.

and this Iron & Wine song...Trapeze Swinger...broke me down last night watching them on PBS. i was looking up lyrics as sam was singing solo with his guitar. what is it about songs that have a story behind them (west point, anyone).

*

my best friend, in nyc, took the plunge and did what i can only dream about: he proposed to his girl, and she of course said yes, after five years.

i'm so happy yet sad, because all of this just reminds me of my own idiocy and how i've screwed up all these past years...