i never done good things

i never done bad things...i never did anything out of the blue...

*

so a good friend of mine is getting married in a month. he called me the day that he proposed, back in November, and i was flabbergasted. what took you so long? and it made me happy, for an instant back then, as i was in a downturn of idiocy that i didn't get out of for another month or so.

but i finally made it to their website, detailing the wedding, proposal, how they met, etc, and while i'm still happy for them and all that, it makes me sad. and i guess the only explaination i can give is that i'm realizing i'm destined to love but never be loved.

i don't know anymore, i'm tired more than anything. i sleep for only a few hours then stare at the ceiling until the alarm goes off. yet i'm more productive than ever. work is good, i just have no personal life.

so.

ashes to ashes

at some point we realize the man is working against you. in fact, that is the worst intro line here ever.
*
talks, with my AD, my GM, and, well, everyone else.

yeah, done. talks didnt lead anyqwherwe...and i will still be the sous because they dont want to go on a search for my replacement. such is life.

corduroy

i am my own worst analysist. i couldn't sleep last nite, and after multiple apologies from my AD and GM i'm willing accept the excuse that actions were taken without thinking of their fallout.

in other words, because i found an application with craigslist as where they heard about the job, i did some searching around and found that when my own chef 86d himself, an ad was placed a a few websites for that job, when i have been doing that job for the past five months.

*

i'm tired. i hate doing the scorecard thing where "i work more and harder than you" crap, but sometimes it's necessary: with the exception of this week, where i ignored my phone, i had one day off in nearly six weeks. i don't look for applause, i just want a little slack when it comes to everything else. tired.

*

i'm tired of being lied to. i'm tired of having to prove myself. day after day, a.m. to p.m. I actually like what i do, like all the people i work with, and the staff...well, it's a comradre that i appreciate and know how to use. intead of the job i have that is posted, it's the job i've been for five months that's up for grabs.

for the third time. in ten months.

whipping post

it's deja vu all over again. the only thing that makes this year different from 2007 is that instead of finding my current job posted online on multiple websites, the job i should be taking over is posted.

i've essentially been running this kitchen for the past four months and the thanks i get is, Yeah, we're gonna try candidate #3.

oh yeah, my gung-ho rockstar chef went awol over the weekend and was 86d on Monday.

fuck this shit.

no more second thoughts...

this is all there is...

*

i did a third of my inventory with my AD, and i never want to do it again. i believe in the law of averages, and while i do calculate the big stuff, he isn't cut for food inventory.

enough with that. i did four loads of laundry, two dish cycles, and cleaned everything up. i'm still gonna get that call at 9 or 10 tomorrow saying "fix this, and make it right!"

tired. i was promised two days off. HA!

we'll see...

viva la vida

i spent some time with my uncle last night.

he's four years older than my father, his brother. 70. i still find that hard to believe. he talked my ear off, telling me all kinds of info, like how the in-law twins bought a condo. they are 91. they just did it and were done. and here i am thinking that my own sole grandmother is old at 90 here i June.

i miss them as much as i don't like them around, that is, my family. how can you love them so much, yet hate it at the same time? i honestly don't know how to get over this anymore...

i soppose i'm tired of losing them, because that's all i had for so many years.

everything has changed...absolutely nothings changed

i hate that i'm so sporadic here, updating life helps me see if there's progress.

i'm tired, so very tired...the work really does get to me at times. my alarm didn't go off this morning despite three checks the previous nite to see that all was good. i woke up in the middle of the best sex dream i've had since i was 15 to see the clock reading 8:36. i set it for 6:30. my day was shot to hell from the time i walked in...no schedule for next week, expected low sales, giving me off monday/tuesday, having to sit down for 30 minutes with my AD and discuss how this schedule is hurting everyone...to no avail.

i'm hurting. i woke up this a.m. and my back right molar didn't feel right. i tongue around it, and literally i have two chunks of tooth in my mouth...yes, my molar self distructed on me...no pain, but when am i supposed to take care of this? i'm supposedly scheduled to close Saturday nite then open Sunday a.m. i work with idiots.

pocahontas

it's always after seeing family that i feel like this. useless, suspended animation, can't do a damn thing.

had dinner with my uncle tonight. once again it reminded me of how much my father and him are alike...even appearance. but the difference is that my uncle likes to talk, my father likes to listen. these are neither good nor bad traits, because it works for both of them.

my uncle, oddly enough, had a stillborn twin back in '39. who knows what kind of idiocy that brings into play.

no word on my chef. i get to be in at work at 7 thanks to this party of 25 at 11:30 am. it's going to be a complete fiasco. pray for my soul.

i have a week off in the middle of May for a wedding. are three button suits out of style yet? otherwise i have yet another expense i can't afford.

the old laughing lady

yeah, it's a list. have to catagorize life, otherwise it really does get away from me.

1) spent five hours on the road yesterday going to a food show that my rep wasn't even at. talk about pointless. yes, the company is getting the tab for my gas mileage.

2) i've seen Watchmen three times now. yes, the ending is changed up a bit but it's still a great story along the way and how it compares to the comic is amazing.

3) my chef slept on the floor of my living room last night. things are not good.

4) finally called my sister and father. very difficult conversations. promised to call more often than every three months.

5) meeting my uncle here in town for dinner on Thursday. things are good.

6) despite this being my day off i'm still going in to take care of two orders. i don't have a choice.

7) listening to Neil Young. not angry Young, sentimental Young. it's what i need right now. wish i had "Decade" with me, that would really make my day.

8) not sure how i'm gonna swing this whole NYC trip in the middle of May. unless my chef gets money back to me it's gonna be real tough.

9) i have two road trips this year: NYC (marks' wedding) and Columbus (my grandmothers' 90th birthday). nothing like having your vacation time planned out for you. don't get me wrong, i'm very happy for both of these, but all i wanted to do this year was finally make it to the beach for the first time in nearly ten years.

10) still don't know what to do about the PA ex.

west point

we'll ignore that first feeble attempt at writing about songs...it was full of hate and there was no feeling there. this is different.

1994 i didn't know what the hell was going on. new job, finally in college, and trying to figure out my relationship with a girl i'd known all my life. we went out, made out, the whole nin yards, yet i knew something was wrong around the ten month period (this time frame has killed a lot of relationships since, no joke). i heard rumours of someone else that she was flirting with, but i shrugged them off...i'm nit the jealous type.

i finally confronted her as she came out of her classics 101 class, and as i said hey, this other guy came up out of nowhere with a dozen roses and a kiss on her cheek. i stopped talking, took grasp of the situation before me, and said good luck.

it was a bright day, that morning, probably 10 a.m. or so, but there were dark clouds in the sky. it was late October in Ohio, a storm was coming. i skipped the rest of my classes that day, feeling dejected and useless and not in the mood to deal with other people. as i walked to my car.

Ms Brooke was in the cd player, and i still remember being stuck at the light at Indianola and Hudson, hearing her sing "don't wanna die here and be all alone..." i nearly cried, waiting for the green light to let me just go home.

it's one of those songs, hell, albums that i only listen to when i'm down and need a kick in the pants. i'm still learning from that first real relationship, and it's not that i can't listen to that song, it's that i still want to, just to remind me of what not to do before it gets to that point.