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last week this time i was able to write out 15 pages in three hours. tonight all i've done is have long conversations with myself about how i ended up here. the conversation i used to have with one of my old GMs on monday morning as we are finishing up inventory for the week is that we would look at each other and say "you look like a shell of a human being."

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i don't think i'm that bad right now, there's still a lot of pressure, get a job, get out of this restaurant thing, get your shit together...and i'm doing better. keeping those interweb connections better connected. guess who's on linkdin? who want's to be your new facebook friend? it never stops. and i've cut so much out. my true social life is non-existant. i keep in contact with anyone via phone, text, or the aforementioned social networks. it's good and so bad at the same time.

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i found myself looking up her picture online the other night. and i just left it there on the screen for a half hour. i tried to dredge up some kind of emotion. anything.

it's a frightening place to be in when you feel nothing. i just don't know how to drag it out any more. i need to get it over with, face the music, give it the good pathetic tear or five that it deserves. but it just isn't coming. maybe i'm too old to feel nothing but indifference anymore.

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my niece and nephew, 5 and 8 respectively, try to see how long they can stand on my toes or fake punch me at times and then ask "how did that not hurt?". they ask about the scars on my face, which is always fun, and ask "did that hurt?" and all i can say is that yes, it did back then, but not anymore. the wounds heal, but there is always a reminder of what used to be.

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and i'm thinking 'bout the love that you laid on my table...