Well I floated down main street, pools of car lights

overcame me, wishing I was still back home
*

sometimes losing it all means nothing. moving into your brother's house, the spare bedroom meant for my niece, her old bedroom turning into the office or some other such space for my brother and his wife. while i've had more interviews the last month than i did the previous six weeks, still nothing. moving here was hard enough, accepting the defeat of my own finances and inability to find a job that would get it all together...

one of the better recuiters i've worked with mentioned how he trys to steer clients away from "honestly...". I beg to differ. all in the inflection, tone, even body language. i used it a lot tonite. was conscious of it, and tried to get away from it, but it is what it is. you set the tone by how you present it. i proved myself by being forthcoming with real numbers and expectations from my previous companies and i backed them up with real world situations. how can "honestly" not be a word to be counted on.

*

but this isn't about that. what it is comes down to how as much as i'd like to reconnect with my brother it isn't happening. and while my sister-in-law is the one i connect with most, and have the best communication with...

i suppose i just need to tell her about the AA and therapy and shrinks and that while i am working slowly towards a non-smoking life and i end up enjoying the bourbon on odd nights rather than every night after the kids are in bed, i'm just not sure how far this will go with my own immediate family (i.e. brother) when there is little if no discussion allowed.

*

my father had invasive back surgery this last week. and yes, i was concerned. but i accept these things perhaps a bit more readily than i should. my brother and his family were up in arms. i really wish i could work up that much emotion.

*

.50 cent picture frames bought at a five and dime

hard sun

pissed.

*

but what's the point complaining about it?

*

been reading my LJ posts...nine years down the road and while there are moments of clarity, i'm seeing that the 25 year old self has no clue in regards to the 35 year old self.

i'm fairly certain that my 45 year old self will say the same. we are all so ignorant.

*

in between it all i just feel lost.

living at my brother's house.

walking the kids to the bus stop.

email and phone calls.

wondering what the point is.

*

for some reason i keep on thinking of the time in Wall, SD. sitting on the side of the bed, relaxed, and texting the message that i am the happiest man in the world, because i am where i want to be with the girl i want to be with.

twelve months later i didn't even want to hear her name.

*

f
u
c
k
.

missed the boat

so.

*

forget screenplays. forget the literature that i've read for years. forget the books i've lost. forget the immediacy that the web requires. forget it all...

religion. music. friends because of religion. friends because of music.

a girl i had known in 6th grade because of orchestra but hadn't seen since sat down next to me the first day of 8th year orchestra. i knew what sex was and that's all i thought when re-introducing myself. i'm surprised i still remember her name 20 years later. amazing hair and her body...not in the junior leagues anymore. damn. worst was that i didn't remember her at that time.

fatal mistake. she never looked at me again.

*

reconnecting with your past is tricky. the LJ was one thing, but now we have FB. everyone is connected. even your parents for all you know. finding those people that you were sure, back in 1992, we are going to be friends forever, that's where it get's difficult.

read an article on Freud yesterday and his relevance today...how much of a field day would he have with the FB generation?

*

I've had this Modest Mouse song stuck in my head for three days. Needs to stop.