the way you changed my life...
no, no, they can't take that away from me.
*
i hit a jazz phase in the mid '90s, the same time the swing thing came around. thing is that i always like Gershwin, Rogers & Hart, etc. i'm doing my best to keep this coherent. the standards that Ella and Louis do are beyond anything you or i or anyone could ever do. i was thinking about how to talk about this earlier today, and there really is no comparison. i've got a decent appreciation for most music but there are few duos that are untouchable. it amazes me that i haven't heard this album in nearly eight years but all it does it make me want to fall, fall back into that void that is love.
*
for no reason aside that i just wanted to see how my cancer-addled GM was doing, i texted him this morning. aside from all the random gossip, i finally ended up texting Laura, and after one phone call (from her) and numerous texts i'm just a mess.
beyond mess. today has reached number three status in bad days. the worst was my grandfather's death. the second was the bad breakup on my 30th. today.
fuck today.
i have nothing to really complain about, aside from how i'm realizing now that i simply put off dealing with the end of Laura and myself this long. nine months. i've kept myself inebriated pretty much the entire time, and the few times i did sober up it was simply to see if i could still do it. i succeeded.
i was still avoiding the underlying issue, though, and it reared its' ugly head today. goddamn i'm a fucking mess.
fuck. fuck fuck fuc k fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i used to think i would never feel like my heart was being ripped out of me again. the hollowness. the emptiness. the cavity, the hole that is left, after all love and hope is gone.
*
nothing is without a reason, or a purpose, but goddamn i just want it gone. i think i've done enough damage to myself and others for one lifetime, let alone another three or four.
*
fuck it's just as bad as it was when i was 19. less than twenty years removed from the first of many bad breakups and i'm still just a shell of a person. you'd think i could learn from past mistakes, how i act, react, just deal with the women i care about but...nah, why would i want to do that.
*
a few days later. yeah, i saved this because i just didn't know...i keep on thinking, seeing, this twenty-five year old idiot in the mirror but the reality is that i'm a thirty-six year old idiot who may have been around the block a few times, been a few places, known a few people, had it and lost it a couple times, but has nothing to show for it. phone, laptop, a few books, a couple pads of paper and some pens.
and a shit-ton of baggage. and of course i'm trying to resolve half of it on one day. 'cause, ya know, why not? nothing like overextending your abilities.
*
a thousand miles away...what i wouldn't give for only one night...
*
i hit a jazz phase in the mid '90s, the same time the swing thing came around. thing is that i always like Gershwin, Rogers & Hart, etc. i'm doing my best to keep this coherent. the standards that Ella and Louis do are beyond anything you or i or anyone could ever do. i was thinking about how to talk about this earlier today, and there really is no comparison. i've got a decent appreciation for most music but there are few duos that are untouchable. it amazes me that i haven't heard this album in nearly eight years but all it does it make me want to fall, fall back into that void that is love.
*
for no reason aside that i just wanted to see how my cancer-addled GM was doing, i texted him this morning. aside from all the random gossip, i finally ended up texting Laura, and after one phone call (from her) and numerous texts i'm just a mess.
beyond mess. today has reached number three status in bad days. the worst was my grandfather's death. the second was the bad breakup on my 30th. today.
fuck today.
i have nothing to really complain about, aside from how i'm realizing now that i simply put off dealing with the end of Laura and myself this long. nine months. i've kept myself inebriated pretty much the entire time, and the few times i did sober up it was simply to see if i could still do it. i succeeded.
i was still avoiding the underlying issue, though, and it reared its' ugly head today. goddamn i'm a fucking mess.
fuck. fuck fuck fuc k fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i used to think i would never feel like my heart was being ripped out of me again. the hollowness. the emptiness. the cavity, the hole that is left, after all love and hope is gone.
*
nothing is without a reason, or a purpose, but goddamn i just want it gone. i think i've done enough damage to myself and others for one lifetime, let alone another three or four.
*
fuck it's just as bad as it was when i was 19. less than twenty years removed from the first of many bad breakups and i'm still just a shell of a person. you'd think i could learn from past mistakes, how i act, react, just deal with the women i care about but...nah, why would i want to do that.
*
a few days later. yeah, i saved this because i just didn't know...i keep on thinking, seeing, this twenty-five year old idiot in the mirror but the reality is that i'm a thirty-six year old idiot who may have been around the block a few times, been a few places, known a few people, had it and lost it a couple times, but has nothing to show for it. phone, laptop, a few books, a couple pads of paper and some pens.
and a shit-ton of baggage. and of course i'm trying to resolve half of it on one day. 'cause, ya know, why not? nothing like overextending your abilities.
*
a thousand miles away...what i wouldn't give for only one night...
posted by jersn at 10:15 AM
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