love is not a victory march
and i write these things so i won't forget, because forgetfulness is the devil, horns tail pitchfork, the essence of what i cannot become. those who forget their past are doomed to repeat it, to paraphrase some philosopher or writer i once read, and even though i continue to make the same mistakes here and there, it's not worth bothering if you don't at least try.
i'm tired, i wake up tired and i haven't even worked in a month now, all i've done is stress about life, work, and relationships, and put close to 4K miles on the car, but it's more than enough. i feel useless, but it's part of the territory, being stuck with and around yourself for too long makes you too self-aware at times.
*
i spent a few hours with my father today, first, and then my grandmother. i resisted the need to go back and look at what is left of my life after Madison, there in my fathers' old house because it depresses the hell out of me. three years of my life and what i have to show for it will fit into two regular sized cars. that's all i ever moved from Pittsburgh to Madison, and i'm grateful now, but it's so incredibly pathetic. perhaps the worst part is that i am storing my life in my old room in that house, so i guess the circle in a way is now complete, albeit more a rhombus if you chart my progress on a map.
but it's all about moving forward, right? onward and upward, and i spoke with my old corporate chef this morning, he was waiting for the H20 to get turned on in his house down there and in the back of my mind i just wanted to get all this over with, fast forward everything a few months and be happy, settled, beyond all this ungodly mess that has been my life for six months. just be something other than miserable, depressed, rejected, and spent. i want to perhaps live again, regain the energy that i finally got back again just last year and then had torn from me.
it sucks so much it hurts. and that's all it is: hurt.
i'm tired, i wake up tired and i haven't even worked in a month now, all i've done is stress about life, work, and relationships, and put close to 4K miles on the car, but it's more than enough. i feel useless, but it's part of the territory, being stuck with and around yourself for too long makes you too self-aware at times.
*
i spent a few hours with my father today, first, and then my grandmother. i resisted the need to go back and look at what is left of my life after Madison, there in my fathers' old house because it depresses the hell out of me. three years of my life and what i have to show for it will fit into two regular sized cars. that's all i ever moved from Pittsburgh to Madison, and i'm grateful now, but it's so incredibly pathetic. perhaps the worst part is that i am storing my life in my old room in that house, so i guess the circle in a way is now complete, albeit more a rhombus if you chart my progress on a map.
but it's all about moving forward, right? onward and upward, and i spoke with my old corporate chef this morning, he was waiting for the H20 to get turned on in his house down there and in the back of my mind i just wanted to get all this over with, fast forward everything a few months and be happy, settled, beyond all this ungodly mess that has been my life for six months. just be something other than miserable, depressed, rejected, and spent. i want to perhaps live again, regain the energy that i finally got back again just last year and then had torn from me.
it sucks so much it hurts. and that's all it is: hurt.
posted by jersn at 9:31 PM
3 Comments:
but oh so much pain. i can't believe it's five weeks and here i am still stuck in it, mired in the muck so bad i make bad rhymes and try to make fun of it because it's sarcasm that gets me by. but i can't, i listen to Buckleys' "hallelujah" and all i can remember is that night in February when she came to her senses but i couldn't, and we listened to this on repeat endlessly because it's all that calmed me down. the crazier soothing the crazy. but it was all downhill, the need and want to better ourselves, to move beyond what we had known and done, but in the end i suppose i'm the only one actually doing something about it. she's complacent in Madison, willing to just get by and be and be happy with the B's, just continue to go along and want change but be unwilling to actually do anything about it. it irritates, frustrates me, even though it shouldn't anymore because that's not my world anymore, but she's throwing it all away. perhaps phil collins could write a song...
yet again, though, it does hurt. dear god it hurts more than i ever thought possible. i pity the poor soul that corners me down in Charlotte and wants to know what brought me there, because it will be a long night.
and even though i wrote it on paper, i'm gonna remind myself that one must never, ever drink in a hotel bar. double jameson for $18? seriously? granted i left a decent tip and then the bartender offered me a previously opened bottle of Guiness for nothing, but still...$9/shot of Jamo? seriously? WTF.
and yes, this has nothing to do with anything else right now. my mind is everywhere, gimme a break. i'll need something to laugh at later. here it is.
Interesting writing, but life goes on. As the frech say, "c'est la vie", that's life.
They say that time heals all wounds, but that's not quite true is it. All our experiences leave impressions upon us and sometimes scars.
But you have gone about living your life vicariously through and sadly for others. When you realise that you need to start living for yourself, and that the only person that can make you happy if yourself, well then you'll have started down the path to living. The real shame about living isn't that people don't do it, it's that so many people take so long to start living.
Peace.
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