too much, you're too late

maybe i should have done counselling with her. i find myself in a perpetual loop these days, the urgency of the last few days has diminished to the point where i wonder if it was even worth going down there in the first place. it's not a done deal, and while i still think that i have this in the bag, i'm so damn tired of the waiting game. it just plain pisses me off anymore. i'm tired of the niceness, the soothing smiles that people give you when all you want are straight answers, a simple yes or no.

but most of all i'm just tired. i spoke with my friend M today and he made me realize that the position i'm in right now is what i've been striving for all my life, one where i'm not tied down by anything and unencumbered. yet all it does is make me want to do less and less. i have no desire to do a single fucking thing every moment of every day. i have to force myself to eat, to even get cleaned up. i go through the motions because i know that if i don't then i've turned that last page in the book and it just might be time to check myself in and throw away the key.

it's the worst feeling in the world, having no place left, no opportunities, no sense of adventure remaining and not even wanting to get it back.

*

you meant everything.