In between jobs, places where I thought I wanted to be, I discovered a few things, mainly those things that I wish were still left hidden and never saw the light of day.
I found that families aren't happy, your parents don't like each other, and only occasionally do your siblings talk to each other. I found myself writing about those things that i had always hated even mentioning, on the fringe of conversation, because these things only happen to other people. What I found is that we hide things because we are afraid of the truth, not only of ourselves, but of our own flesh and blood, our own essence, and we hate each other for it. It only takes a complete breakdown in life, such as my own, to bring everyone to their knees, but even then one must expect their hopes to be squashed. Weakness is something that is hushed, hidden, thrown behind closed doors.
inbetween walking around the backyard that i used to mow ten years ago i realized that there's nothing i can do, aside from trying to mend those raw places, to fix anything. my father has his old house, my brother has his multiple families to deal with as well as his wifes', my sister has to figure out the farm life, and i'm stuck here with nothing, here between everything and nothing.
*
i talked to my old chef on the way down to Charlotte and i had to confess that i breathed easier here. it's a different way of life, i have people appologizing for stepping in front of me five feet before. go figure. i'm on very good terms with the cashier at the whythville, va gas station simply because she carded me twice. between talking to her best friend who apparently had a friend who suicided herself. stranger things...
my sister just passed through the kitchen and said nothing. this is my family. and you can ask, Why didn't you say something? it's not my house. poor excuse, but very valid.
*
i wish there was a way for us to be a family again. walking around the old house yesterday i realized that the only people who have taken action against the people who leave that religion are those still in that religion. i might be wrong, but chastizing those who leave seems a bit on the revenge side of things. what is perhaps worse is that those that stay are sanctioned, so that they can do nothing. my father was a deacon, an elder at one point, treasurer, but now he is nothing, and all i can wonder is if it is because of his standing and refusal to not cut his own children off.
*
and i had a good heading for this about 400 miles ago but who cares now.
I found that families aren't happy, your parents don't like each other, and only occasionally do your siblings talk to each other. I found myself writing about those things that i had always hated even mentioning, on the fringe of conversation, because these things only happen to other people. What I found is that we hide things because we are afraid of the truth, not only of ourselves, but of our own flesh and blood, our own essence, and we hate each other for it. It only takes a complete breakdown in life, such as my own, to bring everyone to their knees, but even then one must expect their hopes to be squashed. Weakness is something that is hushed, hidden, thrown behind closed doors.
inbetween walking around the backyard that i used to mow ten years ago i realized that there's nothing i can do, aside from trying to mend those raw places, to fix anything. my father has his old house, my brother has his multiple families to deal with as well as his wifes', my sister has to figure out the farm life, and i'm stuck here with nothing, here between everything and nothing.
*
i talked to my old chef on the way down to Charlotte and i had to confess that i breathed easier here. it's a different way of life, i have people appologizing for stepping in front of me five feet before. go figure. i'm on very good terms with the cashier at the whythville, va gas station simply because she carded me twice. between talking to her best friend who apparently had a friend who suicided herself. stranger things...
my sister just passed through the kitchen and said nothing. this is my family. and you can ask, Why didn't you say something? it's not my house. poor excuse, but very valid.
*
i wish there was a way for us to be a family again. walking around the old house yesterday i realized that the only people who have taken action against the people who leave that religion are those still in that religion. i might be wrong, but chastizing those who leave seems a bit on the revenge side of things. what is perhaps worse is that those that stay are sanctioned, so that they can do nothing. my father was a deacon, an elder at one point, treasurer, but now he is nothing, and all i can wonder is if it is because of his standing and refusal to not cut his own children off.
*
and i had a good heading for this about 400 miles ago but who cares now.
posted by jersn at 11:52 PM
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