standing by the back screen door watching you wash dishes
writing love letters to others just for kicks
*
i wanted this to be about something that it's not.
*
i dropped off the niece and nephew at the bus stop, my sister in law at work, and got into DC by 10:45. a bit ahead of schedule. i checked the empty mailbox at my old home and, having nothing better to do, sat in the car and screwed around with the phone. email. voicemail. messages. check the unemployment filing status. etc. wasting time. but my appeal reappointment date came, i had played my cards and i won for once: the mail always comes before 11:30.
i drove off, wandering in circles around Eastern Market aimlessly. another half hour wasted. parked, checked out two books at the library and didn't even look at her place as i walked by it on the way back to the car. i had already taken the long way around once and the shortest way between two distances was how i got here...
*
the jPhone (not a typo...some people have iPhones, I have a...) has great GPS, and while i am a firm believer in real maps this thing was kind of handy. i mapped out all my routes into DC and then improvised continually, finding better ways that shaved 5, 8, even 10 miles off my travels. do you really think i am going to go through Georgetown to get to 395 at 4:00?
*
so i made it up to Bethesda, scouted the area, found where to park, and it was still only 12:45. screw it. looked up where i was at and ended up at the Harp and Fiddle. hadn't been there in two years. nursed a Harp while i jotted down directions back to southern MD before my battery died for good. Forty-five minutes later i'm still 50 minutes early. this is why i stopped at the library. decided it might be time to re-read Fight Club. three chapters in the car, one last smoke outside before heading in and grabbing a coffee. 'cause i need more caffeine at this point.
i grab a booth that faces the HR director and her candidate. debate the business morality of such a decision, figure it makes sense to see the competition for once. also note that she runs long with him.
whatever.
thirty minutes later i think, that was a decent thirty minute interview.
i also think about why i just wasted my last $40 until tuesday morning on gasoline to get here for this interview.
*
on the way into DC i listened to the radio, NPR and then classic rock. and in between singing along with the songs for once i tended to say, as i passed various landmarks both personal and public, Hello (Washington Monument, WWII Memorial, NE DC library, Chet's Liquors, favorite 7/11, not-so-favorite 7/11, etc.). all along the way to Bethesda and back out of DC. it's ok if you talk to yourself. it's when you start answering yourself is when you need to start looking for a good shrink.
*
and i'm realizing now that while i may have moved out of the District a week ago, today was when i said goodbye.
so like the fool i am i decided that i was finally tired of classic rock and put in a random cd from the pile i brought along with me. Steely Dan, but that's just more of the same. Whiskeytown nearly has me sobbing. i end up listening to three Radiohead tracks off of OK Computer endlessly for miles.
all those miles traveled. all this time wasted. all these years for naught.
Columbus Pittsburgh Toledo Madison Chicago Charlotte Atlanta Bethesda Arlington Evansville and finally DC. and finally, at the end, because my heart and life are broken, i can't pay the bills, i'm left with what few possessions i care to hang on to stored in my brothers garage and living in his spare bedroom.
*
it was a beautiful day. sunny, cool but not cold, warm but not hot. the perfect weather. i walked around the dog park, just a block away from her, and felt nothing. not then. now...i don't know. it seems so distant. just another life.
another lifetime. one more failed relationship for the books. one more you can learn from this from any number of friends and family and what have you.
one more try. one more battle cry of i will win.
*
but it's so hard when you're defeated.
*
it's my heart and it doesn't fit yours.
*
i wanted this to be about something that it's not.
*
i dropped off the niece and nephew at the bus stop, my sister in law at work, and got into DC by 10:45. a bit ahead of schedule. i checked the empty mailbox at my old home and, having nothing better to do, sat in the car and screwed around with the phone. email. voicemail. messages. check the unemployment filing status. etc. wasting time. but my appeal reappointment date came, i had played my cards and i won for once: the mail always comes before 11:30.
i drove off, wandering in circles around Eastern Market aimlessly. another half hour wasted. parked, checked out two books at the library and didn't even look at her place as i walked by it on the way back to the car. i had already taken the long way around once and the shortest way between two distances was how i got here...
*
the jPhone (not a typo...some people have iPhones, I have a...) has great GPS, and while i am a firm believer in real maps this thing was kind of handy. i mapped out all my routes into DC and then improvised continually, finding better ways that shaved 5, 8, even 10 miles off my travels. do you really think i am going to go through Georgetown to get to 395 at 4:00?
*
so i made it up to Bethesda, scouted the area, found where to park, and it was still only 12:45. screw it. looked up where i was at and ended up at the Harp and Fiddle. hadn't been there in two years. nursed a Harp while i jotted down directions back to southern MD before my battery died for good. Forty-five minutes later i'm still 50 minutes early. this is why i stopped at the library. decided it might be time to re-read Fight Club. three chapters in the car, one last smoke outside before heading in and grabbing a coffee. 'cause i need more caffeine at this point.
i grab a booth that faces the HR director and her candidate. debate the business morality of such a decision, figure it makes sense to see the competition for once. also note that she runs long with him.
whatever.
thirty minutes later i think, that was a decent thirty minute interview.
i also think about why i just wasted my last $40 until tuesday morning on gasoline to get here for this interview.
*
on the way into DC i listened to the radio, NPR and then classic rock. and in between singing along with the songs for once i tended to say, as i passed various landmarks both personal and public, Hello (Washington Monument, WWII Memorial, NE DC library, Chet's Liquors, favorite 7/11, not-so-favorite 7/11, etc.). all along the way to Bethesda and back out of DC. it's ok if you talk to yourself. it's when you start answering yourself is when you need to start looking for a good shrink.
*
and i'm realizing now that while i may have moved out of the District a week ago, today was when i said goodbye.
so like the fool i am i decided that i was finally tired of classic rock and put in a random cd from the pile i brought along with me. Steely Dan, but that's just more of the same. Whiskeytown nearly has me sobbing. i end up listening to three Radiohead tracks off of OK Computer endlessly for miles.
all those miles traveled. all this time wasted. all these years for naught.
Columbus Pittsburgh Toledo Madison Chicago Charlotte Atlanta Bethesda Arlington Evansville and finally DC. and finally, at the end, because my heart and life are broken, i can't pay the bills, i'm left with what few possessions i care to hang on to stored in my brothers garage and living in his spare bedroom.
*
it was a beautiful day. sunny, cool but not cold, warm but not hot. the perfect weather. i walked around the dog park, just a block away from her, and felt nothing. not then. now...i don't know. it seems so distant. just another life.
another lifetime. one more failed relationship for the books. one more you can learn from this from any number of friends and family and what have you.
one more try. one more battle cry of i will win.
*
but it's so hard when you're defeated.
*
it's my heart and it doesn't fit yours.
posted by jersn at 12:34 AM
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