it'll all work out
eventually.
*
woke up early, tired and alone. i couldn't eat for two weeks, and couple that with being unable to sleep just makes for a very angry body. i mean, between Monday and Friday of last week i slept a total of 15 hours. since i've been here at my sister's i've tried to eat some basic foods, pop generic zantac from time to time, and have slept anywhere between 10-16 hours at a time. one would think that this is a good/bad thing, but it's mainly bad because i'm getting sleep finally, which is good, but the dreams are bad. dreams within dreams. layers upon layers. all these faces and people and things and places and stuff that i don't want to think about, they're all there, and every time i think they're gone i don't wake up, i just find that it was all just a part of the bigger dream, and it makes me have to question reality every morning just to make sure i'm not still asleep.
not pinching myself yet but maybe i should start.
so i actually planned ahead last night, wrote out what i wanted to do today, set the alarm and everything, and i couldn't do it. the alarm went off and all i could think about was the hopelessness of it all, the futility of doing anything, the fact that i don't care about anything anymore. laid in bed for another two hours, in and out of sleep, and the dreams still come, and when i finally woke and forced myself to make some coffee, it was still there, the weight of everything bearing down on me.
and then the phone went off, and my old corporate chef from Claddagh says that he's decided he wants me as his executive sous chef down in Charlotte, in as soon as three weeks. i guess that's how quickly things can change these days.
*
but the feeling doesn't go away entirely. it lingers, like coffee rings inside a porcelain cup.
i miss her so much.
*
woke up early, tired and alone. i couldn't eat for two weeks, and couple that with being unable to sleep just makes for a very angry body. i mean, between Monday and Friday of last week i slept a total of 15 hours. since i've been here at my sister's i've tried to eat some basic foods, pop generic zantac from time to time, and have slept anywhere between 10-16 hours at a time. one would think that this is a good/bad thing, but it's mainly bad because i'm getting sleep finally, which is good, but the dreams are bad. dreams within dreams. layers upon layers. all these faces and people and things and places and stuff that i don't want to think about, they're all there, and every time i think they're gone i don't wake up, i just find that it was all just a part of the bigger dream, and it makes me have to question reality every morning just to make sure i'm not still asleep.
not pinching myself yet but maybe i should start.
so i actually planned ahead last night, wrote out what i wanted to do today, set the alarm and everything, and i couldn't do it. the alarm went off and all i could think about was the hopelessness of it all, the futility of doing anything, the fact that i don't care about anything anymore. laid in bed for another two hours, in and out of sleep, and the dreams still come, and when i finally woke and forced myself to make some coffee, it was still there, the weight of everything bearing down on me.
and then the phone went off, and my old corporate chef from Claddagh says that he's decided he wants me as his executive sous chef down in Charlotte, in as soon as three weeks. i guess that's how quickly things can change these days.
*
but the feeling doesn't go away entirely. it lingers, like coffee rings inside a porcelain cup.
i miss her so much.
posted by jersn at 11:14 AM
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