just three words my love...
...you meant everything.
ran across a few things on the old lj a month or so ago. it sums up life pretty well:
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
6:33 am
at some point in the past couple months i became so numb to life that i stopped caring. and i just now realized how dangerous a place that is.
at some point i'll move away from here and wonder what the hell i was doing in Pittsburgh. at the same time i'll probably ask myself why i was working in the restaurant business for so long.
eventually, i'll figure out why i'm 29 and single. and hate people.
*
so to sum up the past year appropriately, i threw everything into my hopes and dreams with someone else, and inbetween all of her problems since last December i finally cracked under the strain. unfortunately i chose to lose my mind two days after her mom died.
and i could get into all the other details, like how we have been having serious discussions about where we're going, what we're doing, and how it's going to happen sooner rather than later. how i stayed up countless nights just because i was afraid of what i might find in the morning if i fall asleep. and not being surprised that our silences overwhelmed everything else, until finally it seemed that a corner was being turned for both of us, and her mom passes away.
and she won't talk to me, but to one of my friends.
and then entire nights pass and she doesn't come home, and won't call or text.
so i do what only seems appropriate, which is to go crazy. and i did, i called relentlessly, just wanting some kind of answer for why. and i had to actually go over and just see for myself, that she wasn't sleeping on the couch like i was told.
i did the only thing possible, that made any sense, and i ejected my mind. i threw it out with the two week old cat litter, because that's about all the good that it had done me the past months.
i have no job, no place to live, no future, and especially no girl, and out of all these it was the girl that was holding me together. she would merely have to call me up and say come home and i wouldn't care, i'd drive 100 miles an hour and be there in five hours and i wouldn't care, i'd never care about any of it...
so i packed up most of my life in Madison, WI and drove all day to Ohio and am staying with my sister and her family for a bit. until i can go a day without breaking down, without finding entire hours go by and all i've done is stare out the window at nothing, when i can eat more than toast and eggs, when i can put down the antacids, when i can sleep less than 16 hours a day.
when i can stop thinking about how there is nothing left, nothing left to lose, because it was all there, in one place with one person, and that is all gone.
*
i am worse than lost, because i don't want to go on. i have loved and lost before, it's stupid to say otherwise, but it's never been anything like this. it's been 13 days and all i feel is cold, miserable, worthless, useless, lots of words that end in -less. i've tried to make sense of it, but there is nothing but the hand squeezing the life out of my heart, the inability to breath deeply because i can't, it hurts too much.
ran across a few things on the old lj a month or so ago. it sums up life pretty well:
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
6:33 am
at some point in the past couple months i became so numb to life that i stopped caring. and i just now realized how dangerous a place that is.
at some point i'll move away from here and wonder what the hell i was doing in Pittsburgh. at the same time i'll probably ask myself why i was working in the restaurant business for so long.
eventually, i'll figure out why i'm 29 and single. and hate people.
*
so to sum up the past year appropriately, i threw everything into my hopes and dreams with someone else, and inbetween all of her problems since last December i finally cracked under the strain. unfortunately i chose to lose my mind two days after her mom died.
and i could get into all the other details, like how we have been having serious discussions about where we're going, what we're doing, and how it's going to happen sooner rather than later. how i stayed up countless nights just because i was afraid of what i might find in the morning if i fall asleep. and not being surprised that our silences overwhelmed everything else, until finally it seemed that a corner was being turned for both of us, and her mom passes away.
and she won't talk to me, but to one of my friends.
and then entire nights pass and she doesn't come home, and won't call or text.
so i do what only seems appropriate, which is to go crazy. and i did, i called relentlessly, just wanting some kind of answer for why. and i had to actually go over and just see for myself, that she wasn't sleeping on the couch like i was told.
i did the only thing possible, that made any sense, and i ejected my mind. i threw it out with the two week old cat litter, because that's about all the good that it had done me the past months.
i have no job, no place to live, no future, and especially no girl, and out of all these it was the girl that was holding me together. she would merely have to call me up and say come home and i wouldn't care, i'd drive 100 miles an hour and be there in five hours and i wouldn't care, i'd never care about any of it...
so i packed up most of my life in Madison, WI and drove all day to Ohio and am staying with my sister and her family for a bit. until i can go a day without breaking down, without finding entire hours go by and all i've done is stare out the window at nothing, when i can eat more than toast and eggs, when i can put down the antacids, when i can sleep less than 16 hours a day.
when i can stop thinking about how there is nothing left, nothing left to lose, because it was all there, in one place with one person, and that is all gone.
*
i am worse than lost, because i don't want to go on. i have loved and lost before, it's stupid to say otherwise, but it's never been anything like this. it's been 13 days and all i feel is cold, miserable, worthless, useless, lots of words that end in -less. i've tried to make sense of it, but there is nothing but the hand squeezing the life out of my heart, the inability to breath deeply because i can't, it hurts too much.
posted by jersn at 9:48 PM
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