There is this place inside
where all the good things die
*
i guess i foretold it, i have official confirmation that i am a smartass dick, probably just because that's what i've turned into. i'm done caring, yeah i still have crap in Madison but crap is replaceable, books are just that, books, and while i do have a small assortment of stuff that i don't want tossed out on the street, i could deal with it if that's what it comes down to. i guess what pisses me off the most is that she can't for an instant take a good look at herself. i'm not claiming the moral high ground for an instant, i know i fucked up royally with a lot of things, but seriously, just accept the fact that all you want to do is prod me into this kind of situation right now and then wonder back at why i respond the way i do. dammit i hate blogs.
*
i swore to myself two things when i got back to OH, one that i was going to do my best to quit the cancer sticks, and two, that i was going to dry myself out. i'm down to two packs a week and hadn't come close to the booze in nearly four weeks but this night got the better of me. it's all about willpower, strength, whatever, and i made the conscious decision to go the other way. bury myself, find out if there's anything here at all. my sister's family, her in-laws, they're amazing people, salt of the earth, don't do anything bad except have poorly disciplined children but if that's the worst offense then so what. my sister told me way back that she knew she found a good guy, he didn't smoke, didn't drink, and neither did any of his family. gotta love that. but i found myself betraying myself tonight, simply because i couldn't handle the idiocy that's happening three states away. i don't have the strength. or as the x would say You lost your balls.
*
i suppose in the end all i get is what i deserve. i find it hard to believe that this time last year i had a questionable but steady job, a girl that i had just started going out with and was considering taking with me on vacation, and a truly uncertain future with all of the above. it hurts. before this shit happened i found some photos of that trip and landed the one of the jail in South Dakota on the fridge. she asked me, numerous times since the new year, Why are you still with me? Why don't you leave me? and all i could ever say is because i love you, and i'm not going to give up because of this. but it's never enough. it never is. you can try to take care of yourself, and those around you, and those you love, but it still always comes down to who you are. do you have the balls to stick through everything, the long nights with no sleep, the wondering if she's going to still be alive when you wake up, the hope that a new medication brings, the idiocy of your own life mixed up in all this as well. and then, when something finally works, yes you question how bad and messed up you've been but you realize that there's light at the end of the tunnel, that this med for her might be doing good rather than bad, but she starts asking the hard questions that you're so good at evading. and you freak out, especially because she doesn't come home a couple nights. and i can't do the third person anymore.
all she had to do was just stop supplanting him for me. it wasn't much, god only knows i'd been through all that before with her and her with me but why couldn't she just talk. You're not a positive influence, she says, And I can't be here, you and this place remind me too much of my mom. which is fine, that's understandable, but when it escalades into days and nights away with no contact, what am i supposed to do? seriously. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
*
i guess i foretold it, i have official confirmation that i am a smartass dick, probably just because that's what i've turned into. i'm done caring, yeah i still have crap in Madison but crap is replaceable, books are just that, books, and while i do have a small assortment of stuff that i don't want tossed out on the street, i could deal with it if that's what it comes down to. i guess what pisses me off the most is that she can't for an instant take a good look at herself. i'm not claiming the moral high ground for an instant, i know i fucked up royally with a lot of things, but seriously, just accept the fact that all you want to do is prod me into this kind of situation right now and then wonder back at why i respond the way i do. dammit i hate blogs.
*
i swore to myself two things when i got back to OH, one that i was going to do my best to quit the cancer sticks, and two, that i was going to dry myself out. i'm down to two packs a week and hadn't come close to the booze in nearly four weeks but this night got the better of me. it's all about willpower, strength, whatever, and i made the conscious decision to go the other way. bury myself, find out if there's anything here at all. my sister's family, her in-laws, they're amazing people, salt of the earth, don't do anything bad except have poorly disciplined children but if that's the worst offense then so what. my sister told me way back that she knew she found a good guy, he didn't smoke, didn't drink, and neither did any of his family. gotta love that. but i found myself betraying myself tonight, simply because i couldn't handle the idiocy that's happening three states away. i don't have the strength. or as the x would say You lost your balls.
*
i suppose in the end all i get is what i deserve. i find it hard to believe that this time last year i had a questionable but steady job, a girl that i had just started going out with and was considering taking with me on vacation, and a truly uncertain future with all of the above. it hurts. before this shit happened i found some photos of that trip and landed the one of the jail in South Dakota on the fridge. she asked me, numerous times since the new year, Why are you still with me? Why don't you leave me? and all i could ever say is because i love you, and i'm not going to give up because of this. but it's never enough. it never is. you can try to take care of yourself, and those around you, and those you love, but it still always comes down to who you are. do you have the balls to stick through everything, the long nights with no sleep, the wondering if she's going to still be alive when you wake up, the hope that a new medication brings, the idiocy of your own life mixed up in all this as well. and then, when something finally works, yes you question how bad and messed up you've been but you realize that there's light at the end of the tunnel, that this med for her might be doing good rather than bad, but she starts asking the hard questions that you're so good at evading. and you freak out, especially because she doesn't come home a couple nights. and i can't do the third person anymore.
all she had to do was just stop supplanting him for me. it wasn't much, god only knows i'd been through all that before with her and her with me but why couldn't she just talk. You're not a positive influence, she says, And I can't be here, you and this place remind me too much of my mom. which is fine, that's understandable, but when it escalades into days and nights away with no contact, what am i supposed to do? seriously. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
posted by jersn at 2:21 AM
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