Blankness and darkness, like underneath the leaf

have settled on me here and scraped away the sound

*

i swear, i'd like one day where i don't feel like tearing my hair out. as my buddy M says, It doesn't matter what you feel or what they deserve, focus on getting results. i wish it were that easy. she's getting in a huff up in Madison over what i don't know, i've made arrangements and i'm not going to be staying over in the apt, just grabbing my shit and running but for whatever reason that's not good enough or too soon or too late or whatever and all it does it make my blood boil because it doesn't have to be this drama soap opera crap. and she doesn't have to go ahead and be a shit about things after the fact, I'll probably be sleeping elsewhere anyways she writes back and this part of me just wants to be that smartass and write back by the way say hi to B for me, i'm sure he's feeling better after not getting any for nine months.

but i guess i'm not exactly ready to risk the safety of 20 years worth of books yet. i'm getting close to not caring about that either though.

dammit dammit dammit fuck fuck fuck. this whole thing is really starting to piss me off and i don't like being pissed off but it's the only thing that feels good, it's the only thing that distracts my mind from the fact that she turned to one of the few good friends i had in Madison instead of me and he's the one sleeping on my side of the bed now. fuck.