at least you know
you were taken by a pro
*
time to liquidate life. which is hard when you really don't have much anymore, so it's down to severing the final ties to an instrument that i've been toting around from place to place for 10 years and not even looking at, aside from making sure it's still there. i realize it's a quick fix to a temporary situation, but it's not the first time i've considered this. however, this would be the first (and hopefully last) time i've ever been at this point in life, where there is nothing to go back to and nothing happening for a couple weeks. can't continue to be a complete charity case.
*
there's always things that remind you of the relationship, things along the way that make you pause and say Oh yeah, the last time i did this was with her. it's never been too bad for me, usually just the occasional thing, object, situation that will make me think back on it, but this time around it's extreme, where not a single day goes by and i find myself going back to that that time and getting stuck in it. can't watch the Daily Show or Colbert because i simply see us on the bed together laughing ourselves silly. can't even think about certain movies. her breaking down at the end of The Fountain. the week long discussion about Everything Is Illuminated. it's like my own personal ghost that follows me around, the sad nuisance that won't pass on.
and i can't sleep. decided i was dragging myself down by re-reading Theroux so i decided that a few Fletch books that i haven't read in years would be a good distraction, but all that happens is that i find that it's 230 in the a.m. and i'm still wide awake, only to be disoriented and foggy at 814 the next morning when i find that i slept in the same position for the last 6 hours and can't get back to sleep. and i'm done with the dreams. they're here for a while so i might as well get used to it.
*
I need to learn to start feeling good again, she said to me a month ago. The meds weren't working for so long but this new one seems right, I don't feel sad or anxious and I want to start doing things again. It's having to readjust how I've gotten used to feeling and not feeling bad about feeling good. I got so used to feeling like crap for so long that it doesn't feel right to feel good or happy, and it's hard.
so what can i do, i ask.
Help me know that it's all right to feel good, that it's not wrong.
*
time to liquidate life. which is hard when you really don't have much anymore, so it's down to severing the final ties to an instrument that i've been toting around from place to place for 10 years and not even looking at, aside from making sure it's still there. i realize it's a quick fix to a temporary situation, but it's not the first time i've considered this. however, this would be the first (and hopefully last) time i've ever been at this point in life, where there is nothing to go back to and nothing happening for a couple weeks. can't continue to be a complete charity case.
*
there's always things that remind you of the relationship, things along the way that make you pause and say Oh yeah, the last time i did this was with her. it's never been too bad for me, usually just the occasional thing, object, situation that will make me think back on it, but this time around it's extreme, where not a single day goes by and i find myself going back to that that time and getting stuck in it. can't watch the Daily Show or Colbert because i simply see us on the bed together laughing ourselves silly. can't even think about certain movies. her breaking down at the end of The Fountain. the week long discussion about Everything Is Illuminated. it's like my own personal ghost that follows me around, the sad nuisance that won't pass on.
and i can't sleep. decided i was dragging myself down by re-reading Theroux so i decided that a few Fletch books that i haven't read in years would be a good distraction, but all that happens is that i find that it's 230 in the a.m. and i'm still wide awake, only to be disoriented and foggy at 814 the next morning when i find that i slept in the same position for the last 6 hours and can't get back to sleep. and i'm done with the dreams. they're here for a while so i might as well get used to it.
*
I need to learn to start feeling good again, she said to me a month ago. The meds weren't working for so long but this new one seems right, I don't feel sad or anxious and I want to start doing things again. It's having to readjust how I've gotten used to feeling and not feeling bad about feeling good. I got so used to feeling like crap for so long that it doesn't feel right to feel good or happy, and it's hard.
so what can i do, i ask.
Help me know that it's all right to feel good, that it's not wrong.
posted by jersn at 11:31 AM
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