i'm thinking of a number
between everything and two
*
it doesn't get any easier, i just end up hoping that time and space will allow me to grow strong. i'm not good at this, having to seperate myself from what i poured everything i had into, but having to walk away. leave it. move beyond it. let it go.
i sleep fitfully, waking at strange times and still having that sense of displacement, always followed by What am I doing here? i don't recall my dreams now, which bothers me as much as remembering them did, because i felt that i was at least working through all the garbage of this mess in my subconscious, but without them it seem like i'm in stasis, moving neither forwards nor backwards, simply existing.
got a text from her last night, When are you planning on coming to Madison? and even before i read it i started shaking, not out of anger but of fear for myself. i still can't handle this, i am drained both mentally and physically and don't have the fortitude to go back there, pack up what little of me there is, and leave. turn my back, walk away. these things that i have to do, that i must do, i don't know how to do them let alone survive. it hurts too much. while sipping my coffee on the back steps this morning, all these things rattling around in my dumb head, i had to fight the urge to throw up. it's incapacitating.
You shouldn't even think about trying to go out with anyone for six months, my sister says to me last night, Just make this happen down in Charlotte and work. and i tell her this is how i've always gotten by before, just throwing myself into work and using it to erase everything. You don't need to put yourself or especially anyone else through any kind of rebound, at which i immediately think to myself that doesn't mean i'm not going to screw it all out of me along the way.
*
it doesn't get any easier, i just end up hoping that time and space will allow me to grow strong. i'm not good at this, having to seperate myself from what i poured everything i had into, but having to walk away. leave it. move beyond it. let it go.
i sleep fitfully, waking at strange times and still having that sense of displacement, always followed by What am I doing here? i don't recall my dreams now, which bothers me as much as remembering them did, because i felt that i was at least working through all the garbage of this mess in my subconscious, but without them it seem like i'm in stasis, moving neither forwards nor backwards, simply existing.
got a text from her last night, When are you planning on coming to Madison? and even before i read it i started shaking, not out of anger but of fear for myself. i still can't handle this, i am drained both mentally and physically and don't have the fortitude to go back there, pack up what little of me there is, and leave. turn my back, walk away. these things that i have to do, that i must do, i don't know how to do them let alone survive. it hurts too much. while sipping my coffee on the back steps this morning, all these things rattling around in my dumb head, i had to fight the urge to throw up. it's incapacitating.
You shouldn't even think about trying to go out with anyone for six months, my sister says to me last night, Just make this happen down in Charlotte and work. and i tell her this is how i've always gotten by before, just throwing myself into work and using it to erase everything. You don't need to put yourself or especially anyone else through any kind of rebound, at which i immediately think to myself that doesn't mean i'm not going to screw it all out of me along the way.
posted by jersn at 9:32 AM
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