nothing fades as fast as the future

and nothing clings like the past.

*

had to get the final word Saturday night. i knew that hope was dim for our future together, but i'd gone all week with nothing more than a few text messages that told me literally nothing. she'd already made the mental break long ago, and essentially told me as much, but i still had to hear it one more time. i couldn't continue to exist if there was even a shred of a chance for us to get through this, and it felt like i was ripping every ounce of my body out piece by piece.

and i think the worst was that i broke down in front of my sister. these are not situations that my family is adept at dealing with, especially when it comes to our own.

this is the hardest thing i've ever done, and i've barely finished the sentence when she says What, fuck yourself? You don't know how to let go, she says, And until you do you shouldn't even think about being in a relationship.

*

i spent yesterday in a daze, and would wake at times thinking i was in Madison and i would reach over and she's not there. i dreamt horrible things, where i was walking around the apartment, being careful to avoid the squeaks in the floor, but then looking up and it's empty, nothing there, no trace of either her or me.

*

there was a tornado watch yesterday afternoon, and this being a semi-rural county the 911 dispatchers were calling every thirty minutes with an update. it was blowing fiercely, rain and debris going every which way, and hearing it all outside simply made me want it to come down, have those 200 mile an hour winds tear through it all, lift me up and take me away, far away. erase it all, remove it, rend it from my body and mind, and leave me hollow and decrepit.