chance brought me down on your side
she's just along for the ride
*
we spent two or three nights in Wall, SD last year this time, not because it's any great shakes but just because it was right outside the Badlands, and we'd sleep late, go hike, and then go sit and talk to the bartender at the Badlands Bar or play some pool or just talk to the locals before heading back to the room and repeating the next day. and it's not that i like to think about these things, especially right now, because all they do is depress me and stress me make me want it all to disappear. i sent a friend a text message with the gist that i was holed up in the Badlands with a beautiful girl that i think i may just love beyond anything i'v ever thought possible, and i remember after i sent that i just sat on the edge of the bed for a bit and watched her sleep, thinking that i just might be the happiest person on the planet at that time, because it had been so long since i'd felt anything even resembling love.
and they're right, they're all right, because i don't know how to let go, let it slide, fade into the past and be able to just think fondly on things without having it drag me down again and again. You're a ponderer, my buddy M says a while back, And you've got to learn how to stop thinking about every little possibility and nuance and just do it, you're gonna make mistakes either way because there's no way to avoid them no matter how much you try to avoid them. and i suppose he's right, because it falls in line with not being able to let the past go, they just go hand in hand.
but it hurts, it still does, and i don't know how to make it go away. even when i wake up fresh (on occasion, it happened this morning for a second) it only takes a few minutes until the reality of everything is just back in my face. i have to make a conscious, mental and physical effort just to get motivated to do anything, and even then i find that i'll be halfway through a task and find that i've just lost ten minutes because i got lost in my own head. slipping away, piece by piece.
*
i'm thinking of a number between everything and two
and it's molecules of you
*
we spent two or three nights in Wall, SD last year this time, not because it's any great shakes but just because it was right outside the Badlands, and we'd sleep late, go hike, and then go sit and talk to the bartender at the Badlands Bar or play some pool or just talk to the locals before heading back to the room and repeating the next day. and it's not that i like to think about these things, especially right now, because all they do is depress me and stress me make me want it all to disappear. i sent a friend a text message with the gist that i was holed up in the Badlands with a beautiful girl that i think i may just love beyond anything i'v ever thought possible, and i remember after i sent that i just sat on the edge of the bed for a bit and watched her sleep, thinking that i just might be the happiest person on the planet at that time, because it had been so long since i'd felt anything even resembling love.
and they're right, they're all right, because i don't know how to let go, let it slide, fade into the past and be able to just think fondly on things without having it drag me down again and again. You're a ponderer, my buddy M says a while back, And you've got to learn how to stop thinking about every little possibility and nuance and just do it, you're gonna make mistakes either way because there's no way to avoid them no matter how much you try to avoid them. and i suppose he's right, because it falls in line with not being able to let the past go, they just go hand in hand.
but it hurts, it still does, and i don't know how to make it go away. even when i wake up fresh (on occasion, it happened this morning for a second) it only takes a few minutes until the reality of everything is just back in my face. i have to make a conscious, mental and physical effort just to get motivated to do anything, and even then i find that i'll be halfway through a task and find that i've just lost ten minutes because i got lost in my own head. slipping away, piece by piece.
*
i'm thinking of a number between everything and two
and it's molecules of you
posted by jersn at 10:06 PM
2 Comments:
Jersn,
I'm sorry that you're going through these times. I remember going through break-ups where it feels like one is falling down a bottomless pit, just waiting to hit the ground, some sort of shock to either kill or wake, and instead falling with no end in sight. Lying in bed, sleeping the day away, and waking in the middle of the night alone in a room that is not your own.
You have my sympathy, Jersn. Your posts bring back memories of some ugly times. I'm still alive, if it's any consolation.
It's also great to hear from you again, even though it's under a cloud.
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