nothing is good enough for people like you
who have to have someone take the fall
*
waking up earlier but not being able to sleep at night. i'm doing my best not to think too much about things and just do them, or simply not to think, but it's hard not to at times. when i was talking with my old chef, S, last night it just pulled all this spite and anger out of me and i couldn't stop thinking about it. don't think i was able to sleep until after 2, and then i was wide awake at 830. For What? frustration and the irony of it all. merely days after my mental breakdown i was getting bombarded on all fronts by employers, and here i am, three weeks later and i get not one but two calls from headhunters that i haven't heard from in two months. We've got a potential position that you'd be ideal for in Madison! they said 90 minutes apart. not interested, thank you for the thought, but how about Columbus, or Pittsburgh, or...Charlotte?
speaking with the regional guy for the southern locations tomorrow at 10. i'd like to go to Charlotte, in fact i'd really like to go, i feel more confident about this than i did when i was offered the Madison position. reading over that last line and i'm realizing that i think i actually feel confidence in something, maybe even myself, for the first time all year. it got whittled away completely between January and February, and more than anything else i was sure that it was going to be a long time coming back, but perhaps the fact that someone still believes in me (albeit he's the guy that is gunning for me to get down to Charlotte) is helping. i don't know, but it's working.
*
that dream from last night refuses to go away though. the whole thing i felt sluggish, weighed down, like i was trying to run through a swimming pool. and i just vented all these things at her, but she came back at me with everything i couldn't do, or fix, or just plain take care of. it was awful in the way that dreams can be sometimes because the line between real and unreal disintegrated, what we were screaming at each other about was too much like what i wanted to say weeks ago, or even last Saturday.
*
my old friend, R, commented that he sat up all night reading one of my old websites a number of years ago and realized there was a whole other side of me that he ended up knowing. my family knows more about me now than i ever really hoped to share, but i guess that's the cost of losing everything. there's nothing left.
*
waking up earlier but not being able to sleep at night. i'm doing my best not to think too much about things and just do them, or simply not to think, but it's hard not to at times. when i was talking with my old chef, S, last night it just pulled all this spite and anger out of me and i couldn't stop thinking about it. don't think i was able to sleep until after 2, and then i was wide awake at 830. For What? frustration and the irony of it all. merely days after my mental breakdown i was getting bombarded on all fronts by employers, and here i am, three weeks later and i get not one but two calls from headhunters that i haven't heard from in two months. We've got a potential position that you'd be ideal for in Madison! they said 90 minutes apart. not interested, thank you for the thought, but how about Columbus, or Pittsburgh, or...Charlotte?
speaking with the regional guy for the southern locations tomorrow at 10. i'd like to go to Charlotte, in fact i'd really like to go, i feel more confident about this than i did when i was offered the Madison position. reading over that last line and i'm realizing that i think i actually feel confidence in something, maybe even myself, for the first time all year. it got whittled away completely between January and February, and more than anything else i was sure that it was going to be a long time coming back, but perhaps the fact that someone still believes in me (albeit he's the guy that is gunning for me to get down to Charlotte) is helping. i don't know, but it's working.
*
that dream from last night refuses to go away though. the whole thing i felt sluggish, weighed down, like i was trying to run through a swimming pool. and i just vented all these things at her, but she came back at me with everything i couldn't do, or fix, or just plain take care of. it was awful in the way that dreams can be sometimes because the line between real and unreal disintegrated, what we were screaming at each other about was too much like what i wanted to say weeks ago, or even last Saturday.
*
my old friend, R, commented that he sat up all night reading one of my old websites a number of years ago and realized there was a whole other side of me that he ended up knowing. my family knows more about me now than i ever really hoped to share, but i guess that's the cost of losing everything. there's nothing left.
posted by jersn at 12:57 AM
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